I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

We say goodbye to the school on the hill

2011-05-29T10:12:00.001-07:00

Friday was Jack's last day in SFUSD's Language and Learning program. Designed for preschoolers with mild to moderate speech and social issues, it was the only early intervention service SFUSD offered Jack.

He started L&L a year ago, squeezing in a month of classes before summer break, then picking up again in autumn.

I remember his first day; his assignment was to Malcolm X, a small elementary school with a gorgeous hilltop view in Hunter's Point. We drove along with garbage trucks down Cargo Way, turned to pass the old power plant site, and headed uphill through the projects to arrive at the school. Jack's teacher, Miss Jeanna, welcomed him and I took off for a few hours, returning to see the kids walking down the hall toward the school doors together, each holding onto a different color of the walking rope. Jack was calm, but his tongue was sticking out a bit, and at the time that was his indicator when he was stressed -- first days can be like that! L&L gave him many challenges: Miss Jeanna kept the day structured with fine motor and gross activities, reading, singing, art, and snack. Everything is designed with communication in mind. Some of the kids this past year were simply speech delayed while others, like Jack, had sensory and social issues. He definitely made progress at Language and Learning, particularly improving his ability to share his space and tolerate a schedule. His speech is better, but social communication was hampered by the other kids' limited communication skills -- this year he probably had the best speech in his class. We deeply appreciated that Miss Jeanna (along with her aide Miss Shamika, whom Jack adored, in part, because he said she always smelled so nice) and Jack's teachers at his preschool approached his challenges the same way, so both programs reinforced each other.

I felt sad saying goodbye to Miss Jeanna. She's the best kind of teacher, smart and kind with incredible reserves of patience and creativity. SFUSD is lucky to have her. I also would not hesitate to recommend L&L placement at Malcolm X. The principal and staff obviously care deeply about their kids, most of whom come from the nearby neighborhood. The school is immaculate and the Language and Learning kids are kept as separate as possible from the other students, to minimize the fear some of the youngest kids might have for those big elementary students!

But we move on now, continuing at Jack's preschool (of which I will write about in a few months) until August when he will start kindergarten!

The lottery

2011-05-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Unified School District (SFUSD), in an attempt to make school placement equitable, runs a lottery each year. Every San Francisco family has a chance to send their child to any public school, and preference is given to families who live in low test score and dense population areas (having a sibling already enrolled in a school gets you an even better chance to have your second get in there as well).

We prepared for this year's lottery. I researched the prospective kindergartens online, then we narrowed down the options by proximity and eliminated the schools that would require nearly an hour of driving (one way). SFUSD announced that starting with the 2011-2012 school year all schools would offer inclusion spots, but we would only consider a space in a school with an already-existing inclusion program. During tours, I spoke with some parents who had been told point-blank by school staff that they did not want inclusion. And those were the ones who admitted it! I'm sure there are others who also are not keen on inclusion, but kept their mouths shut. We really wanted to meet the inclusion staff and see how they would work with Jack. Some schools did not emphasize their inclusion programs and were less than enthusiastic; those schools also did not make our cut.

Here is the list of schools we put on our lottery list:

1) Clarendon. A lovely school with great student diversity and a staff who obviously love their jobs. It's generally regarded as one of the best elementary schools in the city and I fell in love with it.

2) Miraloma. An up-and-coming school with a young principal who seems to truly embrace inclusion. It was the only school we toured where the staff set up a meeting for parents interested in the inclusion program, at which we got to meet the inclusion staff and the principal. Miraloma also has a gym and an auditorium (most SF schools have a combined space), and the gym has a climbing wall, which we loved. They also have a cute garden and chickens, which was a surprisingly strong point for me.

3) Lakeshore. Nice location, good grounds, impressed with inclusion staff.

4) Argonne. The resource specialist sold me on the school. She is experienced and a huge asset to a school with very strong test scores. Not a great location for us, but we thought the drive would be worth it.

5) Dianne Feinstein. Our safety-net school.

I rustled up our paperwork and documents, waited in line at the SFUSD downtown headquarters, and then we waited.

The envelope from SFUSD arrived, and Hans opened it.

Have you read Shirley Jackson's book "the Lottery"? It's a grim tale of an annual village superstition where one person is stoned to death to ensure an adequate harvest. The victim is chosen by lottery. The look on Hans' face as he read the placement letter was not as grim as it would be for one about to be stoned; it was more an expression of disgust and disbelief. We got none of our choices, and were offered a school without an existing inclusion program. We'd "won" the SFUSD lottery.

For me the biggest frustration is all that wasted research time, with zero payoff for the hard work. And I know we're not alone, for quite a few other families in our area got none of the schools on their lists either. Some are now waiting for round 2 results. Others may home school.

In the end, we hit the jackpot in a different sort of lottery, one we were happy to win -- Jack was accepted to a small private school that welcomes kids with minor to moderate learning difficulties. Thanks to grandparent funding, he'll start there in the fall.

So goodbye to SFUSD, with its broken promise of a good education for all.

Here I am

2011-01-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

Yow. I've been meaning to write but got waylaid by the inertia of having not written for so long. That's such a nastily written sentence you can see I'm out of practice. But I have to start somewhere, so here I am today, starting somewhere.

Since late September, we have:

* been attending a great preschool as well as a fantastic language and learning program (Jack)

* mostly adjusted to a new job in San Francisco (Hans)

* rode around the mountains for a weekend on a motorcycle rally (Hans)

* traveled to Baton Rouge for a family visit

* enjoyed a visit from my mom and sister

* stayed two nights in a Steep Ravine cabin e

ven though Hans had the stomach flu

* celebrated Jack's 5th birthday with a small party

* made it through holiday time off from school, which is always the hardest for Jack

* survived being sick -- all three of us at the same time, thankfully Jack was least sick

* made a day trip to the Sierra for Jack's first exposure to snow

* stayed in Yosemite Valley for two nights

* strapped on skis for the first tim

e and had a lesson (Jack)

It's all been really mostly ok. We've been stretching ourselves to do things which previously

felt impossible, such as traveling, one of us parents

going away for a few days, trying ne

w things which might be scary (snow, tubing, skiing, staying in unfamiliar places), and these new experiences have been difficult but also fun. We've discovered that Jack likes being around people (although not too many at one time), is able to follow directions and focus, and is increasingly willing to try new things. By the way, he loves to eat snow and the Little Mermaid is just too scary.

Jack has found ways to surprise us with unexpecte

d emotional growth. Out of the blue in mid-December he asked how Santa was going to get into our house on Christmas Eve. He had never "got" Santa before -- we actually though it was a quandary that we would never need to anguish over. He's interested now in holidays (and not just because of presents), the solstice, seasons, and days of the week. Minor growth, for sur

e, but to me it shows an increase in the awareness of his place in the world. He also comes home from school remembering activities and talking about books they read, absorbing his days rather than having them wash over him like a bank of fog.

But the biggest change is a sharp new interest in girls. He says boys are hard to make friends with, but he is in love with girls. His gaze is drawn to them everywhere, all kinds of girls of all ages, at playgrounds, in stores, on the street! His interactions with them are clumsy and awkward, but he is

at least displaying interest for the first time. He adores t

he single girl at school (b

oth programs are all male except for that one girl) and expresses love and caring for her. They play together well but her parents don't speak English and we don't speak Spanish, so we haven't been able to get the kids together for a playdate outside of school. We sent a note home with her for Jack's birthday party but maybe they couldn't read it. Oh well, will keep trying.

At home Jack is crazy for his Wii, which he got for his birthday. We work on his balance with the Wii Fit and he likes the exercise "games," since they add up his time spent exercising and he moves up a level with more work, something he really enjoys. When the weather is nice he goes biking with Hans on his new trail-a-bike (a present from Santa). Drawing on the sidewalk with chalk as well as inside on paper with crayons is still on the top of his activity list. We did several Lego kits together over the holiday break, and he was able to focus very well on those projects. Otherwise he still plays with his toys in a mostly unusual way; he tends to make up complicated games revolving around a current obsession, games that are difficult to follow and rather confusing. Hans has been working on expanding Jack's tolerance here, pushing for the games to make more sense while exploring social issues and feelings. We also (mostly successfully) play Uno, Blockus, Labryinth, checkers, and Scrabble. Jack's getting better about losing, but that's still a work in progress.

One of the great joys in the past few months has been reading together. Hans read him the Hobbit, and I'm working through Narnia. It's lovely to see Jack asking good questions about the stories and understanding sophisticated themes.

Off now to do some chores while Jack is at school. More blogging soon!

A new read

2010-09-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

(Warning: Narnia spoilers in this post!)

Years ago Hans and I purchased a copy of The Complete Chronicles of Narnia. I had some knowledge of this C.S. Lewis classic but had never read it. It sat on our bookshelves until a few months ago when I read a few chapters in "The Magician's Nephew" (the first book in the series) to Jack. He thought it was too scary and we put it aside "until I am 5."

It became a joke between us; when selecting a book at bedtime I would sometimes offer Narnia and he would laugh and remind me he was not yet 5. Jack's birthday is months away and I'm bored with Fantastic Mr. Fox and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the Dragons of Blueland and Winnie the Pooh. In fact very especially bored with Winnie the Pooh; I'm so jaded that "the Enchanted Place" no longer has the power to make me cry. So when Hans went out of the town for the weekend recently and I had bedtime duty 3 nights in a row, I bribed Jack into reading Narnia. I offered him 5 extra minutes of Toki Tori play time for each chapter of Narnia. He went for it!

At first he complained about how much he didn't like it; that he was only listening for Toki Tori time. But then we drew near the end of "Magician's Nephew" and a curious thing happened. He started asking questions about the story. "Why is Jadis so evil?" "Why did eating the apple make her pale?" "How did Aslan die and come back to life?" And more. This is the first book we've ever read together to prompt so much thought and discourse. I'm not even sure how to answer most of the the questions, but we talk about it together and it's been a rich conversation. Sometime we will sit and read a few chapters in the middle of the day without any talk of Toki Tori time. And Aslan has been popping up in Jack's roller coaster drawings, which is a compliment of the highest order.

We've now finished the first book and started "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." Narnia continues to prompt conversations and enchant both of us. I love the wry humor and Lewis's lovely descriptive writing. The queen is super scary! And Aslan is so powerful! I think I've found the children's book for me.

New beginnings

2010-09-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

Jack started his new preschool this past week. It's a very small SF school which provides specialized support to kids who need help with social skills, speech, and physical issues. We supplement this afternoon program with a 2 morning a week SFUSD language and learning program.

Our new schedule means we spend a good deal of time in the car, and Jack's days are longer than he is used to. He has been tired at the end of each day, but happy. In fact, he reported "I have a friend," a girl he's been playing with at language and learning.

Yesterday Jack and I were talking casually and he said, "that was back when I didn't like myself." My heart froze for a moment as I tried and failed to rewind what he had said just before that. He didn't want to talk about that time, of not liking himself; it seemed to be something he has worked through and so does not need to be discussed further. We believe this summer was a detox for him -- whatever happened in his previous preschool was not good, and now he's better, to our immense relief.

One more thing. He doesn't pretend to be other people anymore. He's just Jack. Just the way we love him.

Our happy place

2010-08-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

We are back from our second annual week at Camp Mather, a San Francisco-owned and run family camp in the Sierra. The camp is situated at a dusty crossroad with routes to Hetch Hetchy reservoir and through Stanislaus Forest at a bit above 4000 feet. Visitors can stay in one of 116 cabins or 20 tent sites shaded by a thin forest of ponderosa pine, cedar, and black oak. The grounds, which formerly housed workers who built Hetch Hetchy, have shared bathhouses, a dining hall (all meals are included in the fee), a small lake, pool, and general store. Ping pong tables are sprinkled throughout, as are boulders which provide endless entertainment for smaller kids. The camp runs activities such as crafts, talent shows, and family movies, so it's possible to stay busy at the camp if you like. For folks who want to roam about, it's a short drive to Yosemite Valley and Hetch Hetchy Reservoir, and there are several trailheads in a 10 mile radius, starting points for hikes in the woods or romps in the branches of the Tuolumne River.

Our Camp Mather vacation planning started way back in the early months of this year, as we opted into the annual lottery for San Francisco residents. In spring we learned we did not get a spot, and were very far down the waitlist. But, just like last year, at the beginning of August our number came up and off we went.

We loved this year's cabin, which was a well-shaded single on the lake side. Last year's cabin (aka the split hot box) received sun throughout the day, so it was super hot at night. It also shared a wall with another cabin, and the noise was very bad at night (we never met the other family but their kids went to “bed” quite late).

Our days were pretty lazy, and started with a cozy family snuggle. We rode our bikes to breakfast at the dining hall, then hung around our cabin (stomp rocketing was a hit) until the pool opened, which as the week progressed became more and more Jack's focus. One morning was reserved for our annual Hetch Hetchy hike. Our goal is to hike a bit further each year; mission accomplished, but we still haven't made it very far. We didn't reach the junction with the trail climbing up to the north; not only was it hot, but smoke from two nearby fires made the heat feel quite oppressive. I do love the view along the reservoir, but this hike is one of my least favorite in the Sierra. I shudder crossing the damn dam (fear of heights) and then again going through the tunnel (to quote Ponyo – “don't like this place”). But a visit to Hetch Hetchy is part of our family tradition now and we all enjoy the drive.

Another morning we drove north to Cherry Lake, with mixed results. It's a gorgeous drive on a road that dips down to cross the Tuolumne before climbing through chaparral and conifers to... well there's a lake here, but how to get to it? We found the boat ramp and a very nice (albeit lonely) campground, but no signed day-use access, no little store, nothing. When we got back to Mather I scanned the map more carefully (which I should have done prior to the trip), noticing too late that the road only runs around the lower part of the lake (actually a reservoir) before heading out on gravel east toward Lake Eleanor; the other end of the road sweeps off to the west to CA108. The later route showed promise for a fun motorcycle ride sometime in the future, but I wouldn't make the trip to Cherry Lake again. Next year we'll zip down to Yosemite Valley instead.

At camp if we weren't splashing in the pool we ignored all the other options – the small old school playground, arts and crafts programs, shirt tie-dieing, volleyball, archery, nature walks and the like. A few times we floated around the lake in our inflatable boat, and Hans and I took turns hanging out with Jack so each of us could have short breaks to read, swim, etc. But really it was all about the pool for Jack.

For the first few days Jack floated around the pool inside a star-shaped inflatable but when it sprang an unfix able leak (and the store was out of new ones) he adapted to the lack of a floaty without fuss or fear. He took the preschool swimming lesson 3 days, and when his teacher suggested he was ready for the beginning class (for 5 year olds), he elected to try it on the last day. The teacher was mediocre and he had a tough time understanding her instruction, but he showed so much determination it was really emotional to watch. Overall the week built a strong base for swim lessons here in SF, so we're on the hunt for a good pool and a patient teacher.

We had a blast with our made-up game, “torpedo snatch” – using the super fun toypedo. Hans and I swept it back and forth just under the surface of the water while Jack tried to intercept it. When he did get it he would giggle madly and attempt to toss it over the ropes into the deeper part of the pool. Then it was our job to dive under and retrieve it. The game was so infectious that by the last day other kids were asking to get in on the fun.

It was an awesome week – from the coyotes singing the camp good morning to the incredible stars at night. We can't wait for next year!

Some tips for Mather beginners:

The cabins are rustic for sure. Just beds, a dresser, closet, and bookshelf (if you're lucky). Picnic table out front. Yes, there is electricity.

Mule rides (and every other pony/mule/horse option) sold out almost immediately; next year we will reserve a spot at the corral upon arrival.

If you are sensitive to altitude changes, take it easy the first day. Last year I took the swim test (a swim out to the lake dock and back and then treading water) the afternoon of our arrival, and was surprised how winded I felt. This year I waited until the second day and had an easier time.

If you have a choice of dates, the camp is hotter and the mosquitoes are more common early in the season. We have found the last few weeks of camp (in August) to be a perfect combination of weather and fewer bugs. It's also easiest to get a reservation when SFUSD schools are in session.

The food is good! If you have a picky eater note that peanut butter and jelly and cereal are available at every meal. Breakfasts alternates between eggs, pancakes, and hot cereals, with fruit available each morning. Lunches are simple – most campers opt to order a bag lunch at dinner for the next day – choose pbj, turkey, roast beef, or a veggie option. Each lunch comes with fruit, chips, and a cookie. During our week we enjoyed fish, pasta with meat sauce, tacos, eggplant parm, turkey dinner, bbq chicken, and bbq tri-tip for dinner. Desserts were tasty too, and included orange cake, pies, ice cream, and chocolate cake. Alcohol is permitted in the camp, and many parents tote a bottle of wine or beers for dinner. A week without cooking is a huge vacation for me – no shopping, preparing, or cleaning... I loved it.

Watch out for bears. We actually saw a young bear in camp during the afternoon one day – an uncommon occurrence. Bears do make appearances at night, so keep the area around your cabin secure, with all food inside. Squirrels also will try to invade your cabin/picnic table. Keep the door closed when you're not within the immediate area.

Cabins lock from the inside, and if you bring a padlock you can lock your cabin when you're away. However, safety is not much of an issue in the camp. Hans came up with this brilliant idea -- we wrote our lock combination on our camp wristbands with a sharpie. Camp staff advises that inflatables left at the lake be locked at night – must be a safety issue? A thin bicycle-type cable lock works well for this.

Bring more towels than you think you might need, or a clothesline to dry them.

There are washers and dryers if you need them.

There is one bathtub in the whole camp – in the women's side of bathhouse A.

Everyone rides bikes everywhere. Make sure your kids have helmets and wear them every time they ride their bikes. There are not a lot of rules at Camp Mather, but staff is really serious about the helmet issue.

Cell phone reception is non-existent. I tested out the reception on the way back and found no coverage at all until we reached Priest; even then reception was spotty until the bottom of the grade. I heard Evergreen Lodge (just a mile from camp) has wi-fi if you're desperate for email.

From the Mather website: “call Camp Mather directly, 209-379-2284, Thursday nights to see if there are any last minute vacancies for the following week. Mather Manager, Claudia Reinhart, offers available reservations from last minute cancellations on a first come first served basis at camp.”

Christmas lights are traditional – we used one set to decorate the outside of the cabin and one set inside as a nightlight.

More tips here.

It's good to be polite

2010-07-27T14:56:00.001-07:00

Quite suddenly Jack has become a polite child. He says please, thank you, you're welcome, bless you, pardon me, and sorry (if someone is hurt). The other night he was trying to get himself to sleep and I was in the adjoining room. I sneezed 5 times and he yelled "bless you!" from his room. He's also making an effort to use his fork while eating noodles and the like.

The two of us have been hiking (here he is in the photo thinking about Winnie the Pooh near a clump of gorse bush at San Bruno) nearly every week, going to various city playgrounds daily, and Hans has taken Jack out for weekend jaunts to Fairyland, the Oakland Zoo, and Great America. Jack loved GA, especially the water rides -- we'll be back. At Fairyland he made a friend and together the two of them rode the carousel, the Jolly Trolley, and the Dragon Slide. He told me later that he kissed his new friend! Unfortunately this girl lives in the east bay, but it was great he was able to stretch his social skills. Yesterday at the playground with a little prompting Jack asked a girl to bounce with him. He's making great strides here!

About a month ago I took him to a PT for an evaluation. She found him to have "weakness in his proximal musculature." To help him with this we will continue to hike and bike, plus get him swimming, and work on increasing his core strength. The PT also recommended increased "heavy work" and physical activity -- Jack loves jumping into cushions and when Hans comes home he has been asking to "rassle." Since we've been presenting him with situations where his body gets increased sensory feedback I think he is slightly less "bouncy" and more calm.

One big bummer that became a great teachable moment -- Jack ran away from Hans when they were out biking at a campus near our house. Hans called me and I came running to help. I found Jack's bike but no Jack and I was terrified he'd been snatched (illogical I know, but this was my greatest fear). Turned out he rode his bike down the hill from where Hans was, but then decided to walk back up to where he had "lost" Hans. A helpful maintenance worker found him and was taking him back to the school's maintenance office. By that time the police had arrived (thank you Google voice for helping me find the local police phone number while I was running around searching) and when we got back down the hill Jack was sitting in the front seat of a police car. (He said later he liked that because inside the car there were lots of numbers.) We made our way back home as calmly as possible and got Jack to sleep. The next day we sat him down and talked about what to do if he got lost again -- not to get in a car with someone he doesn't know well, not to run off, etc. Since then he has been awesome and I've tested the waters by leaving him just outside the bathrooms at Golden Gate Park and Limantour Beach and he's done totally fine. He seems to really get this lesson -- I hope so because my blood pressure was insane for hours after he was lost!

Song request

2010-07-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

Jack's bedtime tonight softened the edges of a rough day.
He asked me to sing "Per Majedy." I didn't know what he meant.
He said, "it's really short."
"Can you sing it for me?" I asked

And this is what he sang:
"Per Majedy's a pretty nice girl,
but she doesn't have a lot to say
Per Majedy's a pretty nice girl
but she changes from day to day

I want to tell her that I love her a lot
But I gotta get a belly full of wine
Per Majedy's a pretty nice girl
Someday I'm going to make her mine, oh yeah,
Someday I'm going to make her mine."

One month down, two to go

2010-06-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

We're almost through with our first month of “free summer.” Overall I think it's gone pretty well – about ½ the time I think I can make it until September!

We started the month out with a trip to Legoland that went much better than we anticipated. The drive was long, and we got stuck in LA traffic both times, but Jack did great in the car and once we arrived at our Carlsbad hotel we had a nice, peaceful stay. From our hotel we could see the entrance gates of LL, so we were able to walk there. The hotel was great – nice pool, clean room, and exceptionally quiet – the only complaint I had about it was the relentless sales pressure to attend a condo sales pitch. A brewpub-themed restaurant on site provided us with room service breakfast (heavenly) and yummy take-out dinners, with take-away jars of beers we drained each night.

LL itself was not super crowded. We were able to make our way through the entire park by the end of the second day. Jack and Hans rode each roller coaster, even waiting more than ½ hour for the big scary blue one. The weather was quite cold the first day but even so Jack wanted to spend most of the day at the (brand new) water park. We shivered much less the second day and splashed for hours. The three of us went down “Orange Rush,” kind of a rafting/waterslide combo, floated on tubes on the “river,” and Jack loved the smaller water slides. We attempted the big blue waterslide, but Jack decided at the top that it was too scary. Luckily the staff let Hans and Jack switch over to Orange Rush. Jack really loved anything related to water the most – every time we passed through the water works area of Duplo Village he immediately ran to the attraction where the water squirted up from the ground.

We were at the LL gates at 10 both mornings and left when they closed the park. At the end of the day we were all tired, but Jack kept to his same (torturing his parents) sleep schedule, falling asleep at 8:30 or 9. He slept fine through the nights and woke up ready to go.

As soon as we got back home from our trip he stopped wetting the bed at night. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and declare him potty trained. I rarely remind him to go during the day and he's been dry every night but one now for more than 2 weeks. He still does need encouragement to poop, but when he shows signs of readiness, he'll sit with the ipod on his lap and play a game or fiddle with the timer/stopwatch until he is successful. This is a huge milestone for all of us. It's a big boost for his self-esteem and lightens the household work load considerably.

Jack is still struggling with his identity; most of the time he says he is someone else. He is pretty good-natured about it and expresses his identity preference in a light-hearted way most of the time. One morning last week when I picked him up from his speech group he said he was Jack until the very end, and then he became Becky. I asked him why and he said, “because I wasn't sure if everyone liked me.” I was stunned at the level of his self-awareness. Even though we talk about feelings and work to promote his self-esteem, we haven't been able to get him to be Jack all the time. It's a work in progress.

Hans and Jack are continuing to bike most mornings, and Jack and I are beginning to hike together on free mornings and afternoons. On a San Bruno hike last week he expressed fear about wild animals; I was glad he could share his feelings so we could address that. We've gone to Windy Hill twice and that preserve agrees with him, so I hope to increase our mileage and build his endurance with repeat visits. He seems to prefer grassy fire roads rather than wooded paths, so that's a challenge for me to find the perfect parks and preserves.

Otherwise we've been making mud in the back yard, building with legos and magnatiles, painting, watching movies, and playing Treasure Madness together. The ipod has become an important item, because Hans found some wonderful games and Jack will play them by himself (which is a first – usually he wants us to play them for him while he watches). He'll also work on an activity book, dot-to-dot, or coloring book while I make dinner, another wonderful thing.

We had a PT evaluation last week (more on that soon) and have settled on a preschool for autumn. We hope to combine a 4 afternoon-a-week preschool program with SFUSD's Language and Learning 2 or 3 mornings a week. Both preschool and L&L focus on social skills and speech, Jack's 2 biggest issues.

Now if we could just get him to sleep. Actually he does sleep for an average of 10-11 hours a night, which is almost enough, but he will not go to sleep early. It's 9, 9, 9 every night. Even when he has a terrible night sleep he will not go to sleep early the next night. I'd love to figure out a way to get him to sleep earlier. The PT suggested vigorous exercise immediately before bed, and we've been “getting the wiggles out,” without any change.

Our bedtime song

2010-06-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've tried other songs at bedtime, but the only one that has stuck is Hotel California. I don't know why I picked it up in the first place -- I don't care much for the Eagles -- maybe because it is long and has elements of repetition in it, or because I can somehow remember the words. Regardless, I've been singing it to Jack since he was a baby.

The song is actually quite adaptable to variation. I simply replace about half the nouns with other words, keeping to a theme. One of Jack's favorites is preschool buddy California -- with the nouns replaced with the kids from his (now former) preschool class. A few nights ago I did a Legloland California version that was smashing.

Last night we did 3 versions: preschool buddy, Legoland, and regular (original). Jack interrupted me to ask, "what exactly is colitas anyway?" (pause) I answered, "it's a plant and sometimes people like to burn it," (not a lie!). He was satisfied.

I think I need another rambling song for bedtime... any suggestions?

The end of the line

2010-06-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

A turbulent couple of weeks led to dramatic change. We had been muddling through Jack's preschool; things weren't great, but we thought we could make it through the summer and then one last year until Jack would go to kindergarten. But after receiving some feedback from the president of the preschool (it's a coop) we decided to no longer continue there.

The information she passed along was vague: some parents had shared (not to us) that their children were scared by Jack – that he might hurt them. This was a surprise. I had seen Jack lightly push kids at school and struggle not to hit when angry, but we do not see our son as a violent, out-of-control kid. I figured I could see this one of two ways: either the parents (and/or kids) were overreacting, or Jack was so stressed out at school that he was acting uncharacteristically violent. Neither scenario was pleasant. I truly do not want any kid to feel scared by my son. But since the preschool is a coop, I (wrongly) assumed that any issues would be handled in an open way. To be blindsided by parents preferring to complain anonymously, rather than directly addressing issues that we could work on, felt unfair. To compound things, we also learned (for the first time) that the director had been keeping a record of all Jack's infractions in a notebook. Ick.

Our hearts were heavy but we decided to remove Jack from this preschool. I respect and enjoy many of the parents there, but our constant battles with Jack's program director and then this recent news made us feel it was time to find a place where the staff and parents understand (or are willing to learn about) the challenges of Asperger's.

For the summer, Jack will be home with me and his aide C will be providing home intervention. My goal is to lighten Jack's stress load while providing opportunities for social interactions in a controlled setting. Several families asked for play dates and that'll be great. We're also signed up for a language-based social group at our wonderful speech provider. I hope to keep him busy physically with hiking, biking, and playground visits. We'll do loads of fine motor activities and have the freedom to go and do what we want most of the time.

For autumn, we're mildly panicked about finding a preschool. Some possibilities are percolating, but we don't have anything firmed up.

I am grateful to those parents who have shown generosity, kindness, and love to Jack and us. I wonder about those parents who lacked the courage to share their negative feelings about Jack face to face. It's my opinion that those parents are teaching their children to avoid conflict, to undermine relationships, and to fear and avoid others who are different.

In the words of Liane Holliday Willey, an adult woman with Asperger's: “I do not wish for a cure to Asperger's Syndrome. What I wish is for a cure for the common ill that pervades too many lives; the ill that makes people compare themselves to a normal that is measured in terms of perfect and absolute standards, most of which are impossible for anyone to reach.”

(photos: Jack's first day of school on September 4, 2008, and two from his last day)

2010-05-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

We've been riding the emotional rollercoaster, as usual.

We all suffer when Jack doesn't get enough sleep. He is crabby, prone to tantrums, uncooperative, and impulsive. We get run down by the effort required to get him dressed, fed, to the potty, school, etc. His sleep has shifted to a much later start time, usually 9, and after battling for almost a week trying to get him to put himself to sleep, we've gone back to staying with him until he is asleep (or almost). Not fun because by the time he's asleep I follow about ½ hour later, but at least Jack's been sleeping 10-11 hours; his overall well being is much improved with all that sleep.

At school there are some subtle improvements probably only visible to us and C, his aide. He is way more able to share space with the other kids and play, really play, with a few of them. We see that outside in the play yard he can get overwhelmed by the chaos and that's when he tends to throw his shoes over the fence, dump sand where he shouldn't, or other inappropriate actions. Our task here is to encourage greater self-awareness; to help him realize that sometimes he needs to take a break and calm down when things feel too crazy , and to realize that before he reaches the out-of-control state.

For the past month or so Jack's been exploring issues of identity and emotions. He often identifies himself as either Becky (from the “Wordgirl” show), Boris (a baby dragon), Rainbow (whom we know nothing about except he is 20 years ago), Jumping Jack Flash, or a combination of the these. Initially I think it was a way of compartmentalizing his feelings; one person for sadness, one for anger, etc. When he would assume an identity he would also say, “Jack is dead,” or “Jack is never coming back,” which really drove us crazy. We've tried a few different ways of dealing with this. One is just ignoring it, which sometimes works except sometimes Jack gets adamant about being whomever and will not engage as Jack. We've tried to engage the other character to see what the underlying feelings are. We've tried explaining that the other people are really just feelings – that he can have Becky feelings, or Boris feelings, but he's still Jack. Nothing seems to work so we're hoping it will run its course. What is obvious is this is not a case of Jack trying to provoke us – he gets no pleasure from this. It's serious to him. I know NT kids pretend to be other creatures too, but I haven't read much about spectrum kids doing this. Would love some advice from other parents here.

The struggle could also relate to Jack's marked improvement in theory of mind. Here's a nice definition from Wikipedia: “Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states – beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.” TOM is a struggle for spectrum kids, and Jack is no exception. But in the past month there's been a shift. He notices when I am upset or sad and will say “cheer up,” or (the big kicker) “I love you,” because that always makes me smile. Yesterday he was playing with his trains and I heard him say softly under his breath to his train, “are you scared?” And then reply, for the train, “no, I'm not scared.” This is a first, and a huge growth step.

He continues to impress us with his intelligence and problem solving. Lego kits are a new love. He likes to paint, do play-doh, color with pastels, do mazes, make mud in the backyard, play bingo, assemble train tracks, and read. After showing no interest for a few months, he's back bike riding again, although he still won't ride his “big boy bike,” only the like-a-bike. When we're stuck in a long line at the grocery he will often ask to play Doodle Buddy on my iphone, but we have to watch him like a hawk when he has it, since he is able to navigate to other options. Last week he was about 5 seconds from setting up a Twitter account – no joke, he had his password typed in and everything. We watch a family movie together Sunday nights and he prefers “Monsters Inc.” (us too) and “Sword in the Stone,” because he loves Merlin. We bought a new family tent last weekend and are looking forward to camping together for the first time (we were hideously wait listed for Camp Mather).

Life continues to expand; I think we have a little more breathing room. Things aren't easy, but we just keep trying.

Garden of eating circa 2010

2010-04-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

My onions (and there are far too many of them) are not thriving. They are about to flower but the "bulbs" are just not there. They look like giant scallions. Won't try them again.

Lots of potatoes are doing great, and check out the kale! I forgot what it was and kept thinking it was cabbage that hadn't headed yet. Using these greens quite a lot in soups. I haven't checked the garlic so that's still a question mark.

I'm out of pots and dirt, but the way the onions are (not) growing, I think I'll yank them up, maybe cook a bunch of green onion pancakes, and plant more lettuces, beets, and carrots in their places. And I need to find some time to start my tomato seeds....

Accidental discovery

2010-03-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

We've started making Sunday evening family movie night. Usually Hans and I are quite exhausted by Sunday night and lying on the sofa for 90 minutes with Jack is a nice relaxing way to end the weekend. Also Jack's ability to watch a movie has improved to the point where sitting through a movie is now possible.

Our first movie was Pony0. Wonderful! This past Sunday we tried Cars and I wasn't digging it, but Jack promptly fell asleep watching it, at the early hour of 6:45. We plunked him down in bed and he slept for 12 hours. So last night (this is spring break week and every night feels like Sunday night) we decided to try a movie again, this time Iron Giant (yeah -- love this one). We watched until 6:30 and then decided to watch the rest later. Jack and I read until 7 and he fell asleep around 7:45. He slept this morning until 6:30.

Is this a new sleep pattern? Wow, I hope so. He had been going to sleep at 8:30 and getting up at 6 or 6:30. Watching a movie together seems to really calm him down and get him ready for bed.

(Check out his kite flying technique in the photo!)

Eating air

2010-03-09T13:56:00.000-08:00

In our house food has become the new sleep; it's Jack's current issue.

In the past he was a great eater, but these days the list of foods he will willingly consume is shrinking. Fruit remains a favorite, and Jack loves just about every kind, including blueberries, apples, oranges, pineapple, bananas, mango, grapes, nectarines, and melons. He's pretty flexible about carbs, and likes pasta, crackers, pita bread, waffles, pancakes, bread, and (fortunately) almost any kind of meal or grain blend (particularly oatmeal). Thankfully he eats beets, red peppers, cucumbers, and tomatoes, but not much else veggie-wise (and some of those items are technically fruits). When meat, chicken, pork, or fish grace the table, he turns up his nose. Beef in particular is unloved -- he says it looks, smells, and taste bad to him. I've tried fish sticks and plain fish and he'll eat neither. Sometimes he'll eat homemade chicken nuggets but not always. Rice and beans, hummus (from Good Frickin Chicken only) is ok and tofu tolerated when served as Chinese noodles (Hans' speciality). That leaves the old reliable bacon and sometimes ham. Peanut butter used to be a staple but he's been asking for tiny amounts mixed with jelly on his toast. When it comes to milk he's still flexible about that, and is happy with cow, soy, or almond.

I have been worried about him not getting enough protein, but when I did some research I found that his diet is adequate. The amount of protein suggested for kids 4-8 is about 24 grams a day. He can get his daily need by consuming 2 cups of soy milk (14 grams), 1 cup oatmeal (6 grams), and 1 cup pasta (7 grams). Since his baseline is at least that and sometimes more with the addition of nuts and other protein sources, I'm not going to worry about it any longer.

We're trying to be low-key about his food proclivities, to avoid eating from becoming a power struggle. We keep offering him healthy choices, encourage his to try new foods, and praise good habits. Maybe it's typical, but I know if Jack had his druthers he would eat chocolate, candy, and cake all day long. We don't have dessert at our house very often, mostly because when Jack eats a bunch of sugar he has a hard time limiting his consumption. Although we are firm with his limits here, he constantly begs and whines for more. I'd love to hear from other parents about how they manage their kids' diets and desire for sugar.

(photo is Jack eating bacon with his cousin Allison back in September)

Sleeping, mostly dry

2010-02-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

There's been so much going on and it's been a while since I've written. I'm going to try to catch up one day at a time, so here it goes.

In late December, Jack decided he was ready to stop wearing overnight diapers. We followed his cue, gave away the last 1/2 bag of diapers, and bought some waterproof mattress pads. At first we tried waking him up around 11 for a pee, and some nights that worked, while others he was unable to wake up enough to do it. We stopped trying that, since even when he was able to pee in the potty at 11 he sometimes peed in his bed later on. Some nights he peed in bed twice, so we came up with a stackable system, with a mattress pad, a sheet, another mattress pad, and another sheet -- when he pees we come in and change him and peel one layer off the bed. After a month and a half he's making good progress, keeping dry overnight more than 1/2 the time while becoming more responsible for his toileting during daytime hours.

At the same time, Jack's sleep has improved. Kids in the autistic spectrum are notoriously poor sleepers and have trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep, and getting enough sleep. We see a huge difference when Jack gets a good night sleep: better concentration, cooperation, and energy, with less whining and tantrums. Lately he's been averaging more than 10 hours a night and sometimes slumbering up to 12 hours. His sleep makes a huge difference for all of us and we hope this is a permanent improvement.

Catching up

2009-11-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough time. I was sick (with the flu, then a severe and tenacious sinus infection) for 2 1/2 months, which really taxed the whole family. I didn't feel like doing anything but resting, and Hans took some time off to let me do that, but he needed to be at work, so for the most part we muddled through. I was crabby and I'm sure that affected Jack. Plus I didn't have the stamina to take him to the playground or our usual haunts.

In addition, we had a really rough session with psychologist who had been (is no longer) treating Jack and advising us. Although Hans does not see it exactly as I do, I felt attacked by the doctor, who said if we had followed his advice about starting speech therapy and a hiring preschool aide for Jack 3 months ago, he would be in a much better space today. I felt particularly hurt by these comments because no one has a magic pill or treatment for spectrum issues. As parents we do our best, make decisions that feel right, learn from our mistakes, and move on. While both Hans and I do not disagree with the doctor's assessment, I feel the doctor was quite defensive and did not display appropriate empathy. We are grateful for the assistance he provided in the beginning of Jack's treatment, but believe we need to find someone familiar with spectrum therapies in our area, alternative treatments (some of which we found and are described below), and schools which might be a good fit for Jack in the future. We didn't get that from this doctor so are now searching for someone to help us in this way. The break between us and the doctor occurred at a particularly low point for Hans and I (Jack was a little freak that week) and took a while to recover from.

So I'm not sure how much of that family stress rubbed off on Jack, but he has had long stretches of oppositional behavior, whining, and general pain-in-the-assishness. I realize that parenting has its up and downs, but these downs were really quite low. This past week, though, I am feeling at about 80% health-wise and Jack has been much better. He also seems to have gone through a brain growth spurt; he is writing letters and numbers with increased confidence and skill and now reads incredibly well. Just this afternoon he insisted on reading "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish," by himself all the way to the end, before we could leave for preschool. He sometimes reads himself to sleep at night too.

Let's catch up: I don't remember much of mid-September to mid-October I was so sick. Once I started feeling semi-human again, Jack and I had some really strong growth experiences together. One day we went to free-play at Pump It Up (an indoor inflatable bouncy house chain) and I was worried it might be overwhelming for him -- lots of kids and noisy to boot. But he loved it. We traveled down to the beach at Fitzgerald Marine Reserve a few times and although we always missed low tide, we had really peaceful and fun trips. Jack has asked for a friend from school to come over and play and each time they get together Jack is a little more social and cooperative.

Our preschool field trip to Lemos Farms (which I wrote about previously) seemed like a giant step in the right social direction. Two weeks later Halloween rolled around -- another event which was challenging last year for the whole family. This year Jack coped with a very crowded preschool Halloween party -- he didn't engage with other kids much, but he didn't get shut down either. He was excited about Halloween and trick-or-treated quite capably through our neighborhood.

Preschool has been up and down. Jack's definitely paying more attention to the other kids, but he hasn't yet figured out how to deal with angry feelings well -- we've had a few times when he's hit a kid and one (knock wood) biting episode. We've brought in an aide for him, a very nice, bright woman who we hope will assist Jack in social situations. More and more Jack is willing to play pretend games that don't (or hardly) involve letters and numbers, like donut factory -- his aide will attempt to pull kids into his activities and vice versa.

Last week we started speech therapy. His speech-language pathologist was impressed with his speech understanding and usage -- it's at about a 5 year old level (she had to stop at 5 because he was getting bored). She found his speech difficult to understand, so we'll approach therapy focusing on individual sounds and then moving on to speaking more slowly and clearly.

A class at Project Commotion is another new "therapy." This San Francisco non-profit offers martial arts, Capoeira, and "classes that incorporate movement, tumbling, sensory activities, and play," for "children with autism spectrum disorders, sensory processing disorders, cerebral palsy, and trauma." The class we take is like Acrosports for spectrum kids. Jack does find it challenging, but his instructor really knows her stuff, and I'm hopeful PC will be a good outlet for Jack's energy, as well as a safe place to explore social connections.

For fun we started swimming in one of San Francisco's warmest pools. Jack loves the warm water so much we go twice a week. It's great to have one more exercise outlet now that our pre-winter rain is starting.

Coming up: Thanksgiving. Jack is excited because he knows the time between Thanksgiving and New Years is eggnog season and he LOVES eggnog.

Pumpkin patch, one year later

2009-10-16T13:36:00.001-07:00

There are no photos from last year's pumpkin patch field trip. I've found I don't take pictures in the midst of despair. In retrospect, it was probably one of the warnings signs for us, that Jack was different from the other kids in his preschool class. After all, there they were, jumping in the bouncy houses, petting goats, laughing.... And there we were, in extreme distress: Jack overwhelmed and shut down, me, overwhelmed and angry. Other than a quick foray into a bouncy house, Jack refused to do anything else. Reluctance morphed into tears and screaming, so we went home. He was so exhausted that he slept on the trip back from Half Moon Bay.

This year my expectations were low. Two days after an extremely windy rain storm, the day was warm and sunny. I hoped for a pleasant drive to the pumpkin patch, a quick tour through the pumpkins before Jack got overwhelmed and we headed home. It didn't turn out that way.

Maybe because of the recent storm, the patch wasn't packed with preschoolers. There was a pleasant amount of pumpkin pickers and lots of buddies from preschool. Almost immediately Jack asked to ride the "train" (an engine pulling faux train cars) and we did to his delight. Then he bounced in the bouncy houses. I asked him if he wanted to watch the ponies. When we got there he said, "I want to ride one!" He stood in line patiently, tolerated being lifted up and placed on the pony, and rode contentedly. I watched in delight, nearly crying, as he reached down to the pony and gently pet him. "Soft!" he said.

After another train ride and a second pony ride, we gathered with the other preschool families for lemonade and cookies. Then a quick group portrait and it was time to go home, pumpkins in hand. When we were getting in the car Jack said, "mommy, can we come back here again?" I said yes, asked him what he liked best. With a sweet smile on his face he answered, "riding the ponies."

I know he's not "cured." We struggle on a daily basis. But our pumpkin patch visit was a wonderful gift, perhaps a glimpse into the future, to a time where Jack will continue to embrace new experiences with joy. A future full of ponies; who can argue with that.

In the blink of an eye, a month goes by

2009-09-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

We were on vacation: one week at home, then one week at Camp Mather (bliss).
Jack went back to preschool after the summer break.
We took a quick Labor Day weekend trip to Louisiana.
We came back and 2 of us (the oldest 2) got very sick with the flu.
Just now digging out. Everyone is mostly healthy, although I am still coughing.

I hope to write something next week.

Two sweet things that make me smile

2009-08-31T15:41:00.000-07:00

Jack says:
An animal active at night is nocturtle
The county south of San Francisco is San Matato

Carrot bread for preschool snack

2009-07-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

This has been a big hit at Jack's preschool. It's easily doubled.

Carrot bread
4 ounces (3/4 cup) unbleached all-purpose flour
4 1/4 ounces (3/4 cup) white whole wheat flour
1/2 Tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cinnamon
3 large eggs
1/2 cup canola oil
5 1/4 ounces (3/4 cup) turbinado sugar (or regular granulated)
12 ounces (3 1/2 cups) peeled grated carrots (shred them with a food processor if you have one)

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly oil a loaf pan.
2. In a medium bowl, mix together the flours, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. In a mixer bowl, combine the eggs, sugar, and oil. Mix to combine, then add the flour mixture and beat on low until incorporated. Add the carrots and stir one more time. Remove the bowl from the mixer and stir by hand to incorporate the carrots.
3. Spoon the batter into the pan and bake about 1 hour. A toothpick inserted into the center should come out clean when done.
4. Let cool on a rack about 15 minutes. Unmold and cool completely. When the bread is cool, wrap in plastic wrap overnight.

Work=change and change is good

2009-07-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Vestibular, proprioceptive, sensory integration, crossing midline, pincer grasp, motor planning... all big words pertaining to therapies for Jack. Although the words are intimidating, thankfully the "work" is not, because it's all play-based. Here are some of the strategies we're implementing for his autism:

Playgroups: At least once a week either Hans or I take Jack to a professional supervised therapy playgroup with other autistic kids. These playgroups are always an interesting and unpredictable mix of personalities and autistic traits: some kids are overreactive, some underreactive, some respond to stress by flicking the lightswitch up and down or slamming doors, some by seeming to go to sleep. It's sometimes tricky to get these kids to interact, but when they do we've witnessed some good social growth.

Occupational/sensory therapy: Our home-based work can be just about anything -- on a daily basis Jack manipulates playdough, moonsand, laces with string, builds with blocks and legos and train tracks. These assist with fine motor control. Outside he plays with the hose, draws letters and numbers with chalk, blows and pops bubbles. These two books (Starting Sensory Integration Therapy and The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun) have lots and lots of new ideas we'll be trying in the coming weeks, like bean bag tossing, pounding with hammer and nails, playing with shaving cream, balancing on a wobbly beam... enough ideas for months.

Motor planning (and self esteem): our best therapy is bike riding. Jack is so good at it and enjoys it greatly. We do it every day, for miles at a time. We're pondering purchasing a full-size trampoline; they are pricey but I think he would get a lot out of it (and I've always wanted one).

Soon we'll be starting speech therapy, floortime work with a home helper, and occupational therapy with an expert, so we'll get lots of new ideas.

It's hard to believe that we've only been working on his issues for less than three months (I had to double check the calendar because I didn't believe it myself). How has Jack changed?

In early May, when Jack would come home from preschool, we'd ask him about his day. What did he eat for snack? Who were his teachers? What did he do? He would answer each question the same way, "I don't know." We were at the playground one day and three of his classmates were swinging a few feet away. "Who are those buddies?" I asked Jack. Same answer, "I don't know." Virtually all he would talk about was numbers. He had a "hand clock" -- his two hands would make number shapes and he would hold them up in front of his face and count. Constantly. His favored toys were numbers from a puzzle.

Two months later, Jack sits at the dinner table and tells us a few details about school -- maybe one child he remembers having snack with, a project he did with a teacher (whom he will often remember by name), and what food was tasty for snack. On a day after playgroup he will spell a child's name with letters in the bathtub. We haven't seen the handclock in weeks. He does still fixate on numbers, particularly when stressed and at the end of the day, but Jack now has the capacity to talk about other subjects, spontaneously show interesting things to us, and bring a toy for admiration to a visiting adult at home. Instead of playing exclusively with numbers, he plays with just about everything. His old show-and-tell standbys, the number puzzle pieces, have been replaced with a favorite book, one of his nuts and bolts, a small car, plastic animal, etc. While in the past he would most often relate to his numbers as if they were people, he's now moving through an obsession with babies. I can see this drifting toward a better understanding and acceptance of kids as playmates. It's coming, I'm sure of it.

In May, conversations were fragmented and illogical. When asked why, he would be unable to respond, or would say, "that's just the way it works." Now Jack can often respond with reasonable logic. He can now accurately recount the details of a bicycling adventure or explain how an argument started and was resolved.

Jack's sensory awareness has grown. He was previously underreactive -- I'm convinced that's why we've had so many problems with potty training (it's getting better, but most of the time he's still not aware when he needs to go). Now he wanders into the kitchen and says, "I smell something yummy." We have some work to do with his sense of touch, but overall he's more sensory aware.

Only one month ago, when asked to draw a circle he would switch the crayon from one had to the other; now he uses only one hand (usually the left) to complete circles, and is willing to cross midline (this helps to establish the dominant hand and is important for beginning writing).

He can and will throw epic tantrums when he doesn't get his way. But he's learning that a stack of blocks that gets knocked over can be fixed. One favored toy can be shared back and forth with a preschool buddy (he did this yesterday and I thought I would fall over -- He and a friend from school were both grabbing for the bubble bear at the same time and Jack said, "we can take turns."!).

I think his biggest improvement is eye contact. A few months ago he would not look at us unless we begged him to. Then eye contact was brief and perfunctory. Now he looks at everyone and has learned the joys of nonverbal communication -- his eyes sparkle again like they did when he was a baby. When he is fully absorbed in play it can be difficult for him to break away and make eye contact, but overall he is much better.

We still have a lot of work ahead of us. Jack's empathy is not great and this can lead to big blow ups between us, like the other day when I badly cut my finger and stumbled around looking for something to staunch the blood flow while Jack screamed about wanting cherries and needing me to count to 9 RIGHT NOW. Less than ideal.

He is creatively mischievous and tests boundaries constantly. His top trick last week was to remove the running hose from the splash pool and place it inside the house, flooding the bedroom. That was not a fun afternoon. Both at home and school he seems compelled to rather violently dump stuff and then is never willing to pick anything back up. Perhaps encouraging more structured dumping (a small backyard sandbox?) will lessen the impulsive dumps. I have to remember that emotionally he is lagging behind a bit, and also that a little misbehaving is not the end of the world.

We love him deeply and are so happy that the work we've started is already helping. Onward!

All mixed up

2009-07-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Jack has mostly moved beyond individual foods kept apart. He drove right in to his first burrito (filled with tofu, his choice) and also will eat small bites of chicken shawarma.

As part of our "reward good behavior" plan he's been getting Joe-Joe's (Trader Joe's oreo knockoff) every once in awhile. Hans and I both noticed that the very first time he got one he immediately twisted the cookie apart and ate the filling. When we showed him he could dip the cookie in milk he got even happier.

His favorite beverage these days is half soy milk half juice. He giggles when he drinks it.

Another improvement

2009-07-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

This morning Jack got himself ready to go to the farmers market.
He took off his pajama top and pants and put them in the laundry, peed without complaining, put on his pants, and put on his shirt (with a tiny bit of assistance -- the boy's got a big head!).

Here's a photo from earlier this week; he was struggling with his pants.

A great quote from Autism Vox blog

2009-06-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

From Autism Vox:

"What’s the smartest thing anyone ever said to you about your autistic child?

Said one respondent whose 3-year-old daughter was diagnosed two years ago, 'She is progressing well and although she still shows signs of autism on a daily basis, my wife and I sometimes question the early diagnoses. With that said, someone once told us that whether it is autism or not, she still has some developmental issues which need to be addressed. Concentrate on those things as opposed to getting all hung up on the bigger autism diagnoses.' This comment helped us do just that and feel as though it provided a bit more focus on her treatment moving forward.”

(forgive the punctuation issues -- I wanted to keep the spirit of the post without rewriting it)

I ordered Jenny McCarthy's "Mother Warriors" book today. I refuse to buy it new, but figured I could live with myself if I bought it used, so I did. If you're interested in a review, here's a great one.

Getting logical

2009-06-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

This week we've been working on closing circles of communication, cooperation, and logical thinking.

Closing circles is actually pretty easy -- when Jack changes the subject abruptly, we remind him what we were talking about, and encourage him to finish one thought before moving on to another.

To foster cooperation we've been unabashedly bribing Jack. I'll offer him a cookie as a reward if he can get himself at the door for school by 1on the dot, or a chocolate chip for picking up train tracks. The idea here is that completing activities and conscientious behavior increase self esteem. Gradually rewards are eased away and good behavior is its own reward. By implementing rewards we've seen his cooperation improve dramatically.

Jack is smart and can use his words to further his agenda -- I'm happy he has a good imagination, but logical thinking is particularly important to communicate with his peers. A few days ago we asked him to put his bike in the garage and he said no -- that there was a magical door and Veruca Salt (or one of his girls; I can't keep them all straight) was parking her bike in the driveway, so he was leaving his there as well. We don't want to tell him his imagination is wrong, but we do need to move him to true expressions and honest opinions. So we try to start with his (illogical) comments and move them toward reality. "You don't want Veruca to lose her bike do you? Why don't you open the magic door and you and Veruca can park together in the garage." (Of course this little bridge between illogical and logical came much later; at the time we just stood there mumbling, magic door... Veruca Salt... what the fudge?) Another response could have been," Jack, do you not want to put your bike away?" This redirecting takes practice and it's clear we'll be working on it for a while!

Jack got a few nice little self-esteem boosts this week. He's been burning up the sidewalks on his new bike: he can ride quite far and so far he absolutely does not complain or whine while riding. When he's tired he asks us to carry the bike until he's ready to ride again. We're loving that! Jack went on a hike with a girl who just started preschool, and although he was nervous, he enjoyed it, and she seemed to like him. And we got a fun surprise at the post office a few days ago. We had to wait for quite a bit, and Jack was very patient. One of the wonderful post office ladies gave him a lollipop to reward his good behaviour and he has not stopped talking about it!

Keeping busy and positive

2009-06-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm learning so much from Floortime therapy, including the importance of my attitude. When I'm tired/crabby/sick it is incredibly hard to engage and make positive connections with Jack. So I'm making a list of therapies that work and inventing new ones to keep us from getting bored. If I do start to feel low, shifting gears seems to help.

Stuff that works:
1. any kind of pretend/make believe that Jack comes up with
2. bubbles -- chasing, popping, and blowing them
3. hide and find
4. beads -- dumping, filling, stringing
5. coin sorting and feeding into piggy bank
6. simon says
7. playdough manipulation, also hiding small items in playdough for him to find
8. wash away -- I write stuff in chalk outside and he washes the chalk off with the hose

Stuff to try:
1. small item sensory, like beads in beans
2. crossing midline games? I wish I could think of some
3. what is it: blindfold, touching feathers, leaves, etc.
4. multi-sensory games -- with a blindfold on, feeling different food items, smelling them, then eating them
5. tell me how (sequencing) -- have Jack tell me how to achieve different physical goals
6. treasure hunt hike -- find items on a hike, then bring them home and make rubbings with crayons
7. obstacle course -- will have to do outside

Overall, Jack is doing great. He has spontaneously played with kids at the playground a few times, engages at his weekly therapy playgroup, and at home creates imaginative make believe scenarios constantly (we made fox-shaped candies in Mr. Willie Wonka's factory after lunch today).

His behavior at birthday parties has become a benchmark for his growth. Previously he would literally lay around at a party, seemingly tired (in truth disconnected), wait impatiently for cake, and then demand to go home. This past weekend at a birthday party he made eye contact with kids, interacted with them, and was quite physically active. When were we getting the kids corralled for cake he asked me if we were leaving after the cake. I said I didn't know; did he want to leave? His answer was no! We almost had to drag him out. Progress!

A two-veggie snack

2009-06-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

At Jack's preschool each child's parents are charged to bring snack about once a month. The requirements are simple: enough vegetable, fruit, complex carbs, and protein for 20 kids, 2 parents, and 2 teachers. Protein and carbs are easy -- challah, whole wheat bagels, whole grain biscuits, etc (but never nuts and since some kids are vegetarians, it's best to skip meat). Fruit is hard to screw up, since the kids love anything sweet -- strawberries and blueberries are always popular. The veggies are tough though. Baby carrots (which must be steamed) are successfull, as is dried seaweed. Seaweed has quite a bit of vitamin A, but also loads of sodium. I've tried red pepper strips and jicama tossed with lime juice with no luck at all.

Because I love to bake, my solution is often zucchini muffins supplemented by plain yogurt and fruit. This past week I watched a Good Eats episode dedicated to sneaking parsnips into kids' foods. A recipe for parsnip muffins was presented, but I was dubious about parsnips carrying that recipe. But how about parsnip and zucchini bread? Parsnips aren't exactly a nutritional powerhouse, but they do have a fair amount of vitamin C and fiber, as well as some iron and calcium. Zucchini supplies a wonderful dose of vitamin C, plus vitamin A, calcium, and iron. This bread is healthy and tastes really good. The recipe works as as muffins or a loaf, and is easily doubled.

Parsnip and zucchini bread
(adapted from the King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking cookbook)
2 cups (8 ounces) white whole wheat flour
1 cup (4 1/4 ounces) bread flour
3/4 cup (5 1/4 ounces) sugar
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 large eggs
3/4 cup (6 ounces) milk
1/4 cup (1 3/4 ounces) canola oil
1 1/2 cups (12 ounces from about 2 medium zucchini) shredded zucchini
2 cups (about 6 ounces from 2 small parsnips) peeled and shredded parsnip (don't use the tough cores)
1 teaspoon lemon zest

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly oil a 9x5 loaf pan.
2) In a large bowl whisk together the flours, sugar, baking powder, salt, and nutmeg. Combine the eggs, milk, and oil in a small bowl and whisk to combine. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. Mix until just barely combined -- do not overmix. Add the zucchini and parsnip. Stir until veggies are combined. Pour into prepared pan and bake for 1 hour and 10 minutes.
3) Test the center with a toothpick or wood skewer -- it should emerge cleanly when done. Remove to a cooling rack and let sit for 10 minutes before removing from the pan. Let cool completely before cutting.

(Note: to make muffins instead of a loaf, raise the oven temperature to 375 degrees and bake about 20 minutes)

Dot-to-dots

2009-06-07T15:57:00.001-07:00

Some "numbery" activities can make Jack a little too wacky. We had a small problem with map reading last week and the bottom line is, we won't be doing that again for awhile. Dot-to-dot puzzles however seem to be purely positive. They improve his motor skills, he loves them, and completes them calmly. I especially appreciate that calm focus when Jack sits with a dot-to-dot book for 15 minutes while I cook dinner. Bliss!

The super bag

2009-06-03T14:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Jack said he was a super boy. I agreed. Then he asked how could he be a super super super super super boy. Lightbulb.

"Hey Jack," I said, "how about we make a bag with your name on it and every time you do an awesome thing, we but a piece of paper with super written on it in the bag. But, I have to warn you, every time you do a naughty or not so awesome thing, I'm going to take a super out." It seems we hit the jackpot with this. All morning when he was on the verge of dawdling or yelling in frustration, I said, "Jack -- super bag." Immediate compliance. He got supers for putting on his underpants and pants by himself without dawdling, peeing and washing his hands independently, hurrying when it was time to leave for preschool, and wiping up a milk spill. No supers had to be removed.

Jack's pretty into pretending to be a mommy these days, so we made super bags for his pretend babies: baby Joy, Zeke, and Violet Beauregarde (I know, Violet's not a baby -- you tell him that). Jack is in charge of those bags, and he rewarded baby Joy and Zeke for peeing in the potty. Jack also brought up how Violet was kind of naughty for eating the gum when Willy Wonka told her not to.

Even if the super bag works for just one day, hey, this has been one great day.

Home-grown therapy

2009-05-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

I'm 150 pages into Stanley Greenspan's Engaging Autism, and enjoying it greatly. The book explains Floortime, Greenspan's therapy method for kids in the spectrum, a connection-based model which builds skills through strong emotional bonds and fun. Greenspan promotes creating entertaining therapies that foster imagination, problem solving, and social skills.

Our main challenges for floortime are adjusting fluidly to changes in play and stretching the activity as far as possible with circles of communication. This morning Jack and I played with his "adventure tube," one of those flexible crawl-through tunnels. First he crawled into the middle of it and I pulled him around the house. Every once in awhile I asked him what room he thought we were in. Then I propped one end on the top of the bed and asked him if he could crawl out the top. He was giggling constantly. I put it back on the floor and he got in, with his back to me. Could I understand him if he talked and I couldn't see his face? No! How about facing each other? Yes!

Then we took the tube into his room. He got in one end and I elevated the other slightly. A convoy of stuffed animal friends slid down to him, then all the small balls we could find. Then we really got going. I wondered out loud if we could find more balls, and he suggested the balls from our magneatos, which are a set of magnet balls and sticks/rods. First he carried the balls to me two at a time. Then he used 2 of the pole parts and carried four at a time. I asked him if he could find a way to transport more than 4 at a time, and he did, attaching 6 together magnetically. Our creative play went on until lunch, and I did not look at the clock for some time, that's how much fun we were both having.

All this fun is still work though, an it's exhausting! So I'm quite glad Jack went to preschool this afternoon, giving me some time to rest and recharge.

Firsts and improvements

2009-05-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

In the past 2 weeks, Jack has:
said many times "look at me! watch me mommy!"
initiated imaginary play on his own, with us or by himself
started providing feedback about smells

The smelling is really funny. Instead of "eeeeeww" he always says, "ooooohh, that smells bad," as if cookies were coming out of the oven or something equally delicious was underfoot.

He's getting seriously good at beginning reading. With some basic books he gets 5 or 6 out of 7 words in a sentence, if they are all on the small side.

We also see improvement in self care. He's getting better at dressing himself and wiping his nose and a few times last week he used the potty independently.

This year's garden

2009-05-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

Last summer we had great success with lettuces, beets, potatoes, and carrots. This year I'm continuing those favorites and experimenting with some new edibles. We're trying kale, cabbages, Japanese pumpkins, pole beans, summer squash, tomatoes, cucumbers, brussels sprouts, broccoli, and lentils. The kale, cabbages, brussels sprouts, and broccoli are not flourishing. The lentils look ok, but I didn't really expect them to thrive -- I just wanted to see what lentils look like growing! Tomatoes may stay in the atrium since the summer fog is becoming more common. The yukon gold and fingerling potatoes and 5 kinds of lettuces are the stars so far. All these vegetables are grown from seed (from Bountiful Gardens, a most awesome seed source in Willits) this year except the potatoes which arrived as seed potatoes from Maine (via Cook's Garden).

In addition to our 2 apple trees (which we bought in 2006 from Trees of Antiquity), we've added a new potential perennial fruit source this year: a blueberry bush. It looks happy so far, and the apple trees, which bloomed a full month later than last year, have small fruits which look to be growing fast.

Here's to a summer of eating!

I hope he gets it

2009-05-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

We've been working on love lately. I tell Jack many times a day that I love him. He usually says nothing back. I tell him I like it when he tells me he loves me. Sometimes he'll say it. This afternoon he said he didn't love me anymore. This would be hard to take if I believed he understood what love is. But I'm just not sure.

This evening, after a long day, I snuggled Jack in bed. He ran his hands through my hair, back and forth. "That feels nice... very loving," I told him. Then I gently touched his soft hair and asked him if he liked that. "I like that very much," he said.

"Stay with me... stay until 5:58." I told him I would see him in the morning, that I was always close by.
"Because I'm in your heart?"
"Yes"
"Even when we're not together?"
"Yes"
"Because you love me so much?"
"Yes"
And then I cried silently, my tears soaking into his hair as I continued to hold him.

Maybe he's just repeating what I tell him constantly. Maybe some part of him understands. I really hope so. But I know he loves me. I've always known he loves me.

Rainbow disconnection

2009-05-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

In March I met with Jack's preschool teachers for his bi-annual progress report. This was the second conference since he started preschool in September. The first conference had been a bit shocking for us; his teachers felt Jack's behavior was often inappropriate -- we left feeling that he was misunderstood. Since then though, Jack has made progress in some areas, particularly curtailing his urges to pull letters and numbers off the walls and cubbies. So I wasn't expecting balloons and champagne, but I was cautiously optimistic about his progress.

Hans stayed home with Jack that morning and I arrived at school at 8:30 for the first conference of the day. It did not go as expected. His teachers agreed he had made progress in some areas, but they pointed out that he has been unable to make friends, and urged us to have him evaluated for (saying the word without literally saying it) autism.

I came home in tears. How could they think he was autistic? Our sweet little boy who came running to my arms every time I picked him up from preschool, would curl up in my lap to read, and loved to listen to music with us every chance he got. This was a disconnected kid?

As soon as I could I Googled autism. No, Jack didn't bang his head against the wall, rock or sway when distressed, or flap his hands. Then I noticed a subcategory of autism I had never heard of before -- autism spectrum disorders, and in particular Asperger's syndrome. From Aspergers.com: "In Asperger's Disorder, affected individuals are characterized by social isolation and eccentric behavior in childhood. There are impairments in two-sided social interaction and non-verbal communication. Though grammatical, their speech may sound peculiar due to abnormalities of inflection and a repetitive pattern. Clumsiness may be prominent both in their articulation and gross motor behavior. They usually have a circumscribed area of interest which usually leaves no space for more age appropriate, common interests." The more I read the more I saw Jack. He was having trouble making friends -- he's always had trouble with that. Even as a young toddler when I took him to playgroups or library sits he immediately wanted to go home. His play involves his parents but not kids his own age. The other big red flag was his obsession with numbers. He sees numbers everywhere we go -- on houses, at the store, tracks on a cd... you name it and he's somehow found a numerical component to it. His math skills are insane: not only can he add and subtract numbers up to 50 (sometimes higher), he also understands the concepts of multiplication and algebra, at the tender age of 3 years 5 months. Instead of normal small talking, numbers have been becoming almost all he will talk about.

The other Asperger's characterizations did not seem to fit him, particularly poor gross motor skills, clumsiness, and peculiar speech. But the intensity of the first two symptoms was so strong I felt at once that this was Jack. I felt deeply sad that Jack could be unable to make friends and live a connected life. And then I felt a strong sense of relief and hindsight. It's like we've been trying to put together a really hard puzzle without an accompanying picture. Because Jack has always been a handful and a half. Since we don't have other children, it's tough to compare him to others, but overall he's always seemed super interested in connecting with us, his parents, while uninterested in other kids. He was never and still isn't mellow. From the moment he wakes up he is up and ready to play. For the first 3 years of his life that was ok, but now at almost 3 1/2, it's time for him to play with other kids. At the end of each day I'm exhausted from the physical and mental stress of keeping up with him. It's time for some changes and some help.

During the past week Jack has been undergoing evaluation at MDAC (Multi-disciplinary Assessment Center) at San Francisco General. The staff there is awesome -- everything we could ask for -- kind, smart, intuitive, skilled, and wonderful. Jack's had sensory and cognitive testing, as well as observation at school and interactions with the psychologist. We go back Tuesday for a final assessment, but after spending hours answering questions with the psychologist, we pretty much already know that they see him as Asperger's. It has been so instructive to see all the evidence piling up as we turned each page on the assessment booklet. "Does Jack look up when you enter the room?" No. "Is he able to make small talk?" I think of him sitting at the dining room table at dinner, while we try to ask him about his day at preschool, and he ignores us, asking instead what 48x2 is (I see now that when he's stressed he soothes himself with numbers). "Does he make eye contact with people he meets?" Usually no. On and on, the assessment showed just how poor his social skills are. The boy who, when I called his name at 18 months would come running down the hall, his cheeks shaking with each bounce, now doesn't seem to hear me when I speak his name 4-5 times. He makes jokes with me and Hans, but not with kids. Only in the past 6 months or so has he become aware of "outside" noises like fire trucks or car alarms, noticed smells, and responded to physical sensations like water on his skin. Yesterday he told me, "I like to play with adults but not kids." I've watched him at the playground ignoring boys from his preschool -- when I asked him who they were he seemed not to know or want to say. When the psychologist brought some dolls out of a bin and sit them on a table Jack instantly wanted to go home. The most telling evidence of all came from Jack yesterday: he told Hans that he wanted to play with other kids, but "I don't know how."

His cognitive tests were very strong, and the staff at MDAC noticed that Jack wants to connect with people, which is important for therapy. His psychologist believes he will respond well to social therapy, which we hope to begin as soon as we get his assessment completed.

The good news is that even after a few days of rather confrontational assessment at MDAC and some "flying by the seat of our pants" home-based therapy, we see improvement. We remind Jack to make eye contact with people while conversing, and he's trying. We play tea party and he accepts a man doll (like a GI Joe type) we named "hiking dude" to the party. I bought him a little doctor's kit and he takes baby kitty cat's temperature and administers medication. He came home from school Wednesday and participated in conversation about his day. When I tucked him in a few nights ago he sleepily said, "I'm the happiest boy in the world."

Hans and I have always said how lucky we are. Jack has always been physically healthy and adorable. I saw a boy about 2 1/2 yesterday at the Discovery Museum being fed through a stomach tube. We have friends with a son whose mind is brilliant but his body doesn't work. A friend from college lost a son to a fatal genetic disease. We are so lucky -- we have a sweet son who says "I would love to help you," a dozen times a day, who giggles as he chases bubbles in the yard, loves to hike, climb, jump, and run. We are lucky. We're a strong family, Jack's been assessed early, and we're all going to get some help. Lucky lucky lucky.

Books we've found helpful:

"The Oasis Guide to Asperger Syndrome," by Patricia Romanowski Bashe

"The Boy Who Loved Windows," by Patricia Stacey (explains floor time therapy)

"The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome," by Tony Atwood

A reason to be cheerful

2009-04-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

Jack just said: "I want a carrot for my snack today!"

Ambidextrous

2009-04-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Jack can write with either hand. When he uses his right hand he writes from right to left. When he uses his left hand he writes from left to right.

He doesn't seem to favor one hand over the other when eating, so it'll be interesting to see if things stay this way.

A few days ago he sounded out and spelled Cambodia completely by himself. His version was off by two letters: canbodea.

Feeling hot hot hot

2009-04-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

Since Jack started preschool in September he's had colds and the flu, but never a fever. Until last week. I think it's safe to say we saved the best for last (ha).

Tuesday evening Jack was very tired and went to sleep early. He slept for 12 hours and woke up with a fever. The next 3 days felt like driving through Texas -- you know you'll get through it eventually, but it just keeps going on and on. Our days were filled with tantrums, crying, everything just plain wrong, no appetite, and miserable tiredness. The only saving grace was the brief and fleeting return of a daily nap.

Yesterday Jack made it through the day without napping, although he was very tired in the afternoon. He went to sleep just past 6 and slept 12 hours again, but woke up cool and happy. Let's hope his immune system is recovered and we put the cold and flu season behind us once and for all.

Healthy and sleeping better

2009-03-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm relieved to note that after a miserable February, our family seems to be on the mend from the flu. Jack is also undergoing a shift in his sleeping habits -- going to sleep and waking up a bit later, to our great joy. Lately he's asleep around 7:45 and up for the day at 6 or even 6:30. Much better than 5:30!

When he doesn't sleep well he is often crabby and tired all day, so we're hopeful his sleep will stay stable.

Yogurt accidente

2009-02-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

Translation:
"Well... I was trying to eat yogurt
and it fell on my pants
and that's why
it was a yogurt accidente."

Triple whammy

2009-02-25T13:19:00.000-08:00

We all got the flu. Jack started off the festivities with a runny nose and a cough, then took it full throttle with some vomiting and diarrhea. A few days later Hans and I were in the sick boat too, although we stuck to the classic winter flu, with body-racking coughs, sore throats, stuffy noses, and clogged ears. Jack ran a slight temperature for two days, during which he was a subdued boy, huddled on the sofa with at least one of us snuggling him at all times. When his fever subsided he gradually recovered his ability to eat, keep food down, and poop normally, much to our relief. He is now completely recovered and back at preschool this afternoon.

Hans is on the mend and I am too, but my nose and ears are still totally stuffed and I can't taste anything. How very unfortunate since Jack and I made a King Cake for Mardi Gras yesterday -- I was told it was tasty.

Here's a photo of Jack at the preschool Mardi Gras party yesterday.

I can't wait for the cold and flu season to end!

Game, set, Jack

2009-02-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

Some days at around 7pm, stretched out on the sofa with a glass of wine in hand, the boy asleep, and the dishwasher humming softly, I wonder... what did I do all day?

Probably the same stuff everyone else with a 3 year old does: laundry, cleaning, cooking, chasing down stray socks and hats, and answering about a million "why" questions. Other than that Jack and I spend most of the day playing games. For Christmas and his birthday he received Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, and Cariboo. Hans and I prefer Cariboo because it is the most straightforward and the least competitive. Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders were frustrating at first, but after about 2 months of constant play Jack has totally picked up the rules and plays fairly (I won't play with him otherwise).

Now we've started to mix it up by combining features from the games (all made up by Jack, I swear):
1) Play Cariboo but instead of using the cards, utilize the spinner from Chutes and Ladders. If you spin a number that's not available, spin again and add the two numbers together. If that still doesn't get you a viable number, look for a word with that number of letters. Also use a plastic unicorn to open the gates, instead of the key that comes with Cariboo.
2) Play Candy Land with the Chutes and Ladders spinner. Whatever number you spin, move that number of your choice color (6 orange, 2 red, etc). I love this because I somewhat despise Candy Land and this makes the game go really fast. Can be played forward or backwards in this manner.
3) Play Chutes and Ladders with the intended spinner, only climb up the chutes and down the ladders. Oddly enough, the game seems to work better this way, because there are more chutes than ladders.

Is Jack ready for new games? If you have any ideas please leave a comment.

Math breakthrough

2009-02-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

Jack's been sick for the past week with a cough/gooey nose and it's been an exhausting 7 days for all of us. He stayed home from preschool and has been prone to tantrums and demanding in every way.

Today the storm broke. He's much better mentally and physically and then this afternoon -- he learned to add.

We were playing our own hybrid version of Cariboo and Chutes and Ladders and for Jack's turn he needed to add 4 and 3. So he though about it and said, "let's see... 4+1=5, 4+2=6, 4+3=7!!!" A few minutes later he successfully added 8 and 4. Then he added everything the game threw at him with little effort.

This math aptitude did not come from me. I can barely add 3 digit numbers without a calculator!

More proof that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

2009-01-31T11:08:00.000-08:00

Hans came across this article in the NYTimes this week:
www.preview.tinyurl.com/dgl6xc about kids, health, and dirt.

For parents with small children it's really nothing short of shocking. Gastroenterologists, microbiologists, and immunologists are conducting studies to see if we really need to keep kids super clean. Their new school of thought suggests the rise in childhood asthma, allergies, and autoimmune disorders is due to the lack of dirt, germs, and here's the big wow, worms in our kids' bodies.

One doctor writes that the body is like an unprogrammed computer at birth, and exposure to dirt, etc., is how the body builds a healthy immune system. Researchers are currently using worms to both prevent and reverse autoimmune disease including multiple sclerosis. A quote the director of gastroenterology and hepatology at Tufts Medical Center in Boston: “Children should be allowed to go barefoot in the dirt, play in the dirt, and not have to wash their hands when they come in to eat.”

Hurray for dirt -- it's always been a hit with this boy!

The best things in life are free

2009-01-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of letting our museum memberships lapse because these days we seem to be getting most of our out-of-the-house entertainment at the beach.

On warm days Jack will splash in the surf as long as we let him.

On cold days we bundle up and walk along Ocean Beach. We watch crows picking through the sand for treasure and then burying whatever they find. We explore any random sand pits and write numbers in the damp sand. We bring a plastic bag with us for garbage. This inevitably escalates to "what's the weirdest thing we can find today?" Yesterday it was a toothbrush and a birthday candle. Today in addition to the usual straws, candy bar wrappers, and cigarette butts and we found a fork and a dime.

I love strolling while gazing at Mount Tam, the Headlands, and Point Reyes -- what a magical view!

Potty training, continued

2009-01-22T14:18:00.000-08:00

We started actively (and desperately) potty training Jack at the end of August, and we're still working towards consistently clean and dry pants.

I know some people successfully potty train toddlers in one day and others start quite early with infant elimination communication, but we have not been that lucky. It's been slow and steady progress, with the kind of bumps and setbacks typical to children.

Jack does quite well using the potty at school (when prompted) -- I think seeing older kids (mostly boys) using the bathroom is very good training for him. Now that he's been at preschool for almost 4 months, he's not the youngest anymore, and he emulates the bigger kids in many ways, potty included. He has been expressing some independence lately, asking his teacher to wait outside the bathroom rather than accompany him. He is working on pulling up his pants as well, so he sometimes hobbles around the school with his pants all the way up but his underpants around his knees.

At home he will usually use the bathroom when we remind him, but he very rarely (like just about never) uses the potty independently. We remind him regularly and he does great, but if we forget or he gets really tired he is prone to accidents.

In retrospect, I would again stop using diapers completely (except at night), grit my teeth, understand and accept that every single piece of furniture and rug would get peed upon, and keep the process moving forward. We decided that once we started in earnest with training we would never go back, which was hard when we had day after day of puddles everywhere and messes in his pants, but we kept going.

I would not try any of the following:
bribery
threats
cajoling
logic
rewards

They never have done any good. He was not ready until he was ready and that's that.

When he does have an accident I acknowledge it in a matter of fact way, get him cleaned up, and move on. I know someday (probably pretty soon) he will be totally ready to take responsibility for his bodily functions. Till then, we keep the sweatpants handy and the "accidente" towel on the sofa.

Best friends

2009-01-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks when Hans came home from work Jack would say "Da! You're my best friend da!" Every once in a while he'd add "and mommy too! Mommy is my best friend."

Last week on the way home from preschool, a shift occurred. I mentioned his da and Jack said, "Da is one of my best friends." When I asked who his other best friends were, this was his reply:

1) Da
2) Fredricka (our neighbor Liz's dog)
3) Ryder, a buddy at preschool

I didn't even make the list!

Splashing at the beach

2009-01-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

My turn

2009-01-05T08:48:00.000-08:00

We've been making playlists like crazy here. Jack can whip up a list in about 5 minutes, and makes up awesome names for them too, like "Milk" and "Jellyfish."

So I decided to make him a cd with some of my favorite songs on it.

1) Adagio For Strings, Samuel Barber. A lovely song. Somewhat tainted by its inclusion in Platoon, but you can't blame Samuel Barber for that.

2) Beyond Belief, Elvis Costello, Imperial Bedroom. One of best songs ever written? Such a clever man.

3) The Golden Age, Cracker, The Golden Age. This is an important message song for me.

4) Roadrunner, The Modern Lovers, The Modern Lovers. The essence of my Boston years in one song.

5) Been Caught Stealing, Jane's Addiction, Ritual De Lo Habitual. Such a happy happy song. I love it. And great guitar work by Dave Navarro.

6) Lotus, R.E.M., Up. Kind of subversive and rocking.

7) You Were The Last High, The Dandy Warhols, Welcome to the Monkey House. Overall I find the Dandys annoying but I adore this song.Whoops! This has a naughty word in it we will switch to "horse".

8) All Night Long, Peter Murphy, Wild Birds. When I hear this I think of my first weeks in San Francisco.

9) The Street Parade, The Clash, Sandinista. Just one of the great throwaway tunes on Sandinista.

10) Gloria, U2, October. One of my top 10 songs. I actually remember hearing it for the first time, in a Boston pizzaria.

11) Classic Girl, Jane's Addiction, Ritual De Lo Habitual. Pretty and sweet.
12) Blackbird, the Beatles, the White Album. Another pretty sweet song.
13) Wolves Lower, REM, Chronic Town. Favorite REM song.
14) Walking on the Moon, The Police, Regatta de Blanc. A song from adolescence.

15) California Stars, Billy Bragg and Wilco, Mermaid Avenue. Reminds me of camping and Walt Whitman.
16) The Great Gig in the Sky, Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. Intrinsically mixed with memories of driving in Death Valley.

17) Dream brother, Jeff Buckley, Grace. Lovely album and this song gives me chills.

18) Black, Pearl Jam, Ten. Saddest song ever? Can't even talk about it without crying.

19) Helpless, Neil Young, Decade. A good song for parents.

20) Just Like Honey, (band shall be referred to as J&MC so as not to offend anyone), Psychocandy. So chunky.

21) Pyramid Song, Radiohead, Amnesiac. I don't know the lyrics and I don't want to know them. I don't know what this song is about but I find it so sad. Like all Radiohead songs, it contains some of the best drumming in modern rock.

22) Julia, The Beatles, The White Album. I think I remember John Lennon wrote this for his mom? It's my favorite Lennon song.

23) Pink Moon, Nick Drake, Pink Moon. Perfect.
24) Baby Blue, The 13th Floor Elevators, Going Up - The Very Best Of. The best cover of this wonderful song.

I had to leave out some songs. There's just no way Tattooed Love Boys is appropriate for a 3-year-old. I hope he likes this cd. I know I will.

Jack's first "mix tape" cd

2009-01-03T15:53:00.000-08:00

I know, no one calls them mix tapes anymore. But that's how I remember them, and it sounds better than playlist doesn't it?

For a week or so Jack has been asking to put a cd called "oink oink oink" in the car's cd player. We never could figure out what he was talking about, until today when Hans asked Jack if he wanted to make a cd called "oink oink oink". He certainly did -- this is what he requested, in this order (song, artist, album):

Myxomatosis, Radiohead, Hail to the Thief,

Lucky, Radiohead, OK Computer

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Raine Maida and Chantal Kreviazuk, For The Kids

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, Mozart, Lullaby Classics

It's All Right to Cry, Darius Rucker, For The Kids

Paranoid Android, Radiohead, OK Computer

Catch The Moon, Lisa Loeb & Elizabeth Mitchell, For The Kids Too

Telephone Song, Kirsty Hawkshaw, For The Kids Too

The Rainbow Connection, Sarah McLachlan, For The Kids

Hey Jude, The Beatles

Alphabet of Nations, They Might Be Giants, Here Come the ABCs with TMBG

Spring Song, Mendelssohn, Lullaby Classics

E Eats Everything, They Might Be Giants, Here Come the ABCs with TMBG

We listened to the cd on the way to a hike this morning, and Jack listened with a most beatific smile on his face!

Something new

2009-01-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

Jack has invisible friends for the first time.
These friends are numbers.
Not boys. Not girls. Not animals. Numbers.
What am I supposed to do with that?

Recession haircut!

2008-12-31T12:52:00.001-08:00

Before:

During:

After:

Christmas

2008-12-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks Uncle Rick and Aunt Mary Lynne!

Reading a new book with Da.

Storytelling with Nannie.

Making (and eating) marshmallows

2008-12-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

A three year old's pre-Christmas stress

2008-12-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

A few days before Christmas I was struggling to get Jack ready for a trip to the grocery store. His words: "I don't want to go to Whole Foods. Whole Foods makes me sick."

Birthday

2008-12-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

Opening some presents on his birthday morning.

His requested cake, vanilla with purple marshmallow frosting (except it came out kind of lavender).

Shuffle repeat

2008-12-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

We scored a hand-me-down cd player recently, and Hans hooked it up in Jack's room so Jack could play his cds. For the first few days Jack would put in a cd and then continually press next or back or pause, etc. Then he started messing with the function buttons, so sometimes I'll come in and find him listening to the same song over and over ("I just like it") or it'll be on shuffle and he'll have his face pressed against the display waiting for the song numbers to change.

A few mornings ago we heard him wake up at 5:45 or so. A few minutes later a Dead Can Dance cd started playing, and he tottered off to bed to listen while waiting for the clock to change to 6.

Jack's also been singing constantly, and his favorite songs include "Good Day Sunshine" and all of the They Might be Giants songs from ABC's and 123's.

Heffalump trap!

2008-12-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

Jack and I were hiking at San Pedro Valley Park recently, and as we made our way slowly uphill, he got distracted by a little trench running parallel to the trail. At first it was just a pit, but we quickly realized it was, in fact, a heffalump trap! Jack "fell" in over and over again, and had a great time pretending for about 15 minutes. I sat down at the edge of the pit and enjoyed the view up to Montara Mountain. Our entire hike was about 2 miles, and it took us about 2 hours, but it was great fun. I know he'll want to go back again and check "the trap."

Laugh of the day

2008-12-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Jack and I were making up a song about things we love. He asked me what I loved, and I told him a few things (him, Hans, hiking), then asked him what he loved.

His reply... bacon.

Branching out to board games

2008-12-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I created a card matching game for Jack -- just a 4x4 grid of animal and plant playing cards for which he searches for a match card one at a time. This went so well that I thought maybe it was time for some board games. I've ordered some for his birthday and Christmas, but Hans brought home Candyland from Target this weekend, so here we go.

First of all, I just have to say, what happened to Candyland? It was so perfect (see the photo) -- I don't like the "modern" look of it at all. I looked around a bit to see if anyone made the classic version, but no... Dora the Explorer Candyland yes.

Anyway, playing Candyland with Jack is a really good test for a parent's patience. The first game he moved randomly around the board, back and forth, with no regard to the cards. But today we did a whole lot better; Jack moved his gingerbread man as the cards instructed and even took card one at a time. He doesn't yet understand the concept of winning and I have the feeling there should no hurry with that lesson.

The other games on the way are Hi Ho Cherry O, Hiss, and Caribou. Anyone have other suggestions?

Honeyspooner

2008-12-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Jack, the boy who loves licking the honeyspoon, has become incredibly sweet.

At Thanksgiving dinner, just after we all lifted our glasses for a toast, Jack took our hands and said, "thank you for our family! Thank you for our food! Thank you for our friends!"

Last night when he was heading for bed with Hans he gave me a kiss and said, "you have nice dreams mommy."

Such a sweet boy.

The power of three

2008-12-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

Jack has been at preschool now for three months and his third birthday is quickly approaching. Perhaps not coincidentally he seems to have suddenly grown up in many ways.

He's engaging in dramatic play for the first time. At home he shows tambourine frog how to spell and count. We pretend cook all sorts of unappetizing things with his plastic food and pots. At school he's flirting with the play kitchen more each day.

Also at school he's stopped pulling letters and numbers off the walls and cubbies. He is interested in art projects and plays with a variety of things, not just with letters and numbers.

Jack has become more open to new experiences as well. We've been hiking several times lately and he willingly walks on his own two feet more often than not.

Tantrums are becoming less frequent too -- we're enjoying a more calm and happy child, at least for now.

Beeself

2008-12-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

Jack's nickname, Beeboo, has persisted, even though at home we mostly call him Jack and at preschool everyone calls him by his full name (there are several Jacks at school). Despite that, for the most part, Jack still refers to himself as Beeboo, so when he asks a question or wants information it comes out, "mommy tell Beeboo" or "tell Bee."

Jack is increasingly independent, so I often ask him if he wants to do something himself or with help. Today when I asked him he answered "I'll do it Beeself."

Here is a photo of Jack "writing" words, which is his newest skill. He writes dog, pool, pig, and frog, among others, and usually it's pretty legible (at least to me).

The day after Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

The day after dinner for 15.
Jack up at 5:10am.
This would be a nice day to have a nanny.

San Francisco in November

2008-11-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

We had a quintessential San Francisco autumn morning today -- hot chocolate at the Crissy Field warming hut, a long beach romp, several glimpses of a sea lion feasting on fish just off the shore, and finally, grass-fed beef hot dogs for lunch. A glorious, warm day!

Almost a whole week at home

2008-11-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

Jack woke up Monday with a slightly runny nose, so I kept him home from preschool. It was a good call, because he was super cranky and clingy, and I doubt he would have made it through the day at school. I confess, we watched a good deal of Word World Monday, cuddled up on the couch with the blankets wrapped around us. For a special treat I made him some hot chocolate for the first time, and he liked that a lot.

Jack got a good night sleep Monday and on Tuesday his nose seemed to have dried up. In the afternoon we took a drive down to Yerba Buena Nursery for our annual native plant shopping trip. Jack slept for about 20 minutes in the car, but woke up pretty happy. He got to choose a plant (wild grape) and together we selected huckleberry, salal, and sticky monkeyflower for the garden. It was a really fun trip and he did great on such a long drive, which gives me hope for future hiking excursions.

On Wednesday school was closed for teacher-parent conferences. Jack did not like Hans and I leaving him outside to play while we talked to his teachers, and instead wandered around inside whining and saying "go home now". Later after lunch the two of us were headed to the playground and he fell asleep in the stroller. So we trucked back home, I got him out of the stroller, back inside the house, into his room. Still asleep. I plopped him onto his bed and he continued to sleep and sleep, for over 2 hours. At one point he rolled out of bed onto the floor and stayed asleep. He woke up happy and the rest of the day was fine, except he didn't get asleep until 9:30.

Today I'm so hoping he'll be able to go to school and make it through the afternoon. I don't think he's sick, but I do think his brain is going through a lot, with learning to spell. I can really use a break!

Wake up calls

2008-11-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

Most mornings, most good mornings anyway, the house is quiet.

Then...
Little feet go thump thump thump.
"It's 6 o'clock! The clock says 6!"
Door opens.
Little feet go thump thump thump, closer now.
"Morning time!"

This morning Jack crawled into bed with us. Hans kept his eyes closed and tried to sleep just a few more minutes. Jack snuggled next to me and we watched the clock numbers change for about 10 minutes.

Then there the bad mornings. 5:15. 5:20. Any time before 6. Jack wakes up and trudges into our room. "Watch Word World NOW!" I never say yes to this, because I know if Jack thinks he can get right up and watch Word World first thing in the morning he will start waking up at 4:30 to do so.

Time to rearrange the bookshelves

2008-11-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

Sweet innocent voice: "What does s....u....c....k....s.... spell?"
(pause)
Shocked mommy voice: "That spells sucks, like with a straw."
(book in question is Roger Ebert's "Your Movie Sucks.")

Sheesh. So, he's spelling. And he loves it. I blame "Word World."

Halloween

2008-11-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Jack was a coyote for our preschool party and yesterday evening we recreated the costume as much as possible (he was super tired and the brown pants were in the wash). We tricked-or-treated 3 houses, Jack ate one piece of candy, then went to bed! Here are some photos from the party and Halloween, including his annual pumpkin photo.

Bagels!

2008-10-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

I really miss east coast bagels and have pretty much given up on California bagel facsimiles. So yesterday it was fun to make a batch of easy and spectacular bagels. I followed the recipe in the King Arthur Flour Baker's Companion cookbook, here modified slightly and in my own words:

In the mixer work bowl combine:
1 tablespoon instant yeast
19 ounces bread flour
2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon brown sugar (barley malt is even better)
1 1/2 cups lukewarm water

Mix to combine and then have the mixer knead for 10 minutes (important). If the dough is pooling at the bottom of the work bowl and seems too wet, add up to 1/4 cup extra flour -- it's ok for the dough to be wettish, but most of it should be stuck to the dough hook rather than sitting on the bottom of the bowl. Then plop the dough in a lightly oiled bowl, cover with plastic and let rise 1 1/2 hours.

Remove to work area and with a knife or board scraper, divide the dough into 8 pieces. The cookbook recommends forming each piece into a ball and then poking a hole in the middle to make each a bagel, but I do it the old school bagel bakery way: form each piece into a snake, then loop it around your hand and squeeze into a circle. Repeat until you have 8 bagels. Place bagels on a piece of parchment and cover with plastic. Let rest 30 minutes.

Preheat over to 425 degrees.

In the last 15 minutes of rise, pour 2 quarts of water into a large wide pot. Add 2 tablespoons brown sugar (or barley malt) and 1 teaspoon sugar, then heat until water is steadily simmering. Drop 2-4 bagels at a time into the water (you may need to gently reshape them as they go in). Let simmer for 2 minutes, flip, then simmer 1 minute more. Remove with slotted spoon to a dish towel and repeat with the remaining bagels.

Place bagels on parchment-lined baking sheet and bake for about 25 minutes, turning after 12 minutes, until bagels are golden brown.

Makes 8 delicious bagels.

Jack at a glance 10/20/08

2008-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

Sleeping:
Jack sleeps about 11 hours a night, from 7ish to 6ish. Hans and I both believe Jack needs a bit more sleep, but were are not sure how to accomplish this.
Napping:
only when ill
Eating:
Jack eats a bunch at preschool, but at home his biggest meal is usually breakfast. He loves oatmeal and peanut butter toast with letters or numbers or animals made from jelly (you try to make a bobcat out of jelly sometime!). Fruit is always a hit. He still will request beets and carrots from the garden as well as lettuces. Protein is the trickiest food to get in his tummy (unless there's bacon or ham in the house). He pretty much will not eat beef in any fashion. Chicken and tofu get the green light occasionally. His favorite "meat" is salmon.
Potty:
We've been potty training for almost 2 months, and making slow and steady improvements. Accidents still do happen, but they are almost always small damp spots rather than floods. Jack did poop in his underpants at preschool once, but more and more when I pick him up at the end of his preschool day he is wearing the same pants!
Getting around:
Hans pushes Jack in the stroller most mornings and I usually take him in the stroller to preschool, but he is an excellent walker (until he wants to be carried 6 blocks from home).
Fun:
Preschool has exposed him to many new activities, and he is more and more interested in crafts and art projects. When we color, draw, paint, or do play-doh we pretty much do these things together or take turns (now mommy make an 8, now Jack draw a 7, etc.). He does not constantly insist that we do art for him any more, much to our relief, though he still does like us to do numbers in paint or crayons. When we're out driving or walking Jack likes to look for numbers everywhere. He's till quite obsessed with making letters and numbers out of anything he can find -- string, grocery receipts, blocks, leaves, anything.
Behavior:
When he is tired he is very difficult. There have been tantrums, some mild pushing, and tears. But we get through it!

Cheater chili

2008-10-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

Chili is one of our family's favorite foods. I used to make it based on a Cook's Illustrated recipe from a few years ago, but that recipe is time-consuming, especially cutting up the meat. So I made up my own recipe, and it's easy -- no vegetable chopping, meat cubing, or anything fussy.

Cheater Chili Serves 6
1 yellow onion, peeled and quartered
1 (or 2) jalapeno, halved and seeded
2 tablespoons canola or other mild oil
1 tablespoon cumin seed
3 dried New Mexico chilies (or any large red mild chile)
3 dried ancho chilies
1 6 ounce can tomato paste
1 28 ounce can tomato puree or sauce
2 limes
1 flank steak or 2 small skirt steaks
salt to taste

1) Throw the onion and jalapeno in a food processor and chop finely -- it's ok if it gets watery.
2) Warm oil in a large heavy pot and dump the onion/pepper mixture in. Cook over medium heat until vegetables are softened but not browned.
3) In the meantime, toast the cumin and peppers (I use a toaster oven). The cumin should be fragrant and slightly tan/brown. When the peppers puff up they are done -- be carefully not to let them burn, which is easy to do.
4) Pull cumin and peppers out of oven and let cool slightly. Grind to a powder and add to onion/pepper mixture. Stir and let cook for about 1 minute.
5) Add tomato paste and tomato sauce, juice of one lime, and stir well. Cut the flank steak into 3 pieces, then gently drop them into the pot. Add some salt (about 1 1/2 teaspoons) but remember the sauce will be cooking down, so use restraint. Pour about 4-6 cups of water into the pot, cover, and cook over low heat, about 4-5 hours (can use a crock pot -- you want small slow bubbles). At the end of the cooking time, the meat should be tender. Pull the meat (still in big hunks) out, put in a bowl/glass container, and allow to cool. Crank the heat under the sauce still in the pot to medium-high and cook down for about 1 hour, stirring frequently. At this point, combine the meat and the sauce and cool overnight in the fridge.
6) About one hour before you plan to eat, skim any fat off the sauce and reheat the chili over medium heat -- do not allow to boil. When the meat is warmed through and softened (about 30 minutes), pull it out of the sauce and shred it with two forks. Return the meat to the sauce, taste for salt, add remaining lime juice, and eat! We like it over elbow noodles with jack cheese, but there's a bunch of things you can do with it -- top baked potatoes, make tacos, etc.

Watching

2008-10-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago when Jack was sick, we watched a little tv. Previously our television watching had been exclusively Yo Gabba Gabba, but Jack is a bit bored by that now -- I think the segments are too short. So we surfed a bit and watched Higglytown Heroes and Backyardigans. I know that these shows are for kids and not parents, but eeek! I don't get Higglytown Heroes at all; it seems like a weird combination of Brady Bunch, Scooby Doo, and Mister Rodgers. And that squirrel Fran is sooo annoying. But I thought Backyardigans was worse. The first episode we watched showed kids lying with no consequences. The second at least was loosely about saying please and thank you, but the featured song, which seemed to go on and on, was "I love being a princess." Now I forget, is Nickelodeon a Disney company? Sure feels like it!

Jack watched these shows every once in a while for a few weeks and then (thankfully) lost interest. Then we found a keeper, for now: Dragon Tales. This show is completely at his level. The boy, Max, sometimes gets a bit wild and breaks things; we know a boy like that! The characters are not too annoying, and Jack is completely in love with Eunice the unicorn. This past weekend at Fairyland, we found a plush dragon and small unicorn in the gift store, and Jack adores them. Ord went to show and tell yesterday and today it's Eunice's turn (if we can find her; she hiding right now).

On the advice of friends (hi guys!) I'm recording Reading Rainbow to give that a try as well. What else? Maybe Sesame Street?

Going the distance

2008-10-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today will be Jack's first full (4 hour) session of preschool. He had 3 very good preschool days last week, so he has earned the right to stay through show and tell, a big deal for him.

I now understand that the 2 tough preschool weeks we had were the result of him not feeling well. He doesn't really complain when he feels sick, but he is not himself either. In addition to loving sour foods, looks like he may have inherited being cranky while sick from me. Now that he is completely better, he's much happier and sleeping better too.

I remember a few months ago when a few parents mentioned their kids slept from 7-7 I was soooo jealous. Last night Jack slept from 6:30-almost 7. So there. Anything is possible.

"We're getting there"

2008-09-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

That's what Jack's teacher said when I came to pick him up Friday. He played mostly outside (he tends to stay inside when he's tired/sad), seemed happy, and stayed for 2 1/2 hours. Maybe we'll try for 3 today.

Getting back on track

2008-09-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

We thought we were all getting perfectly adjusted to preschool. For the first 2 weeks, Jack clearly enjoyed himself there, slept and ate better, and came home buzzing with enthusiasm. He did not seem to miss me when I dropped him off, though was always pleased to see me when I came back to take him home.

Then we hit a little bump. Last Wednesday Jack fell asleep at preschool, and I had to go pick him up and bring him home. This was the prelude to a little cold, and he spent the weekend crabby and napping, which threw off his sleep schedule.

So Monday rolled around and I filled in for an ill teacher during Jack's preschool shift. He was still a bit tired and wanted to go home early, so we did. I kept things mellow on Tuesday, and he continued to recover from his cold. Wednesday was my first preschool snack day -- I brought melon, red pepper strips, and zucchini bread with cream cheese for all the kids, and Jack "helped" me set that up in the preschool kitchen. Then he didn't want me to leave. Over and over he said "ready for mommy to pick me up now." I hung out a bit longer, and after consulting the pm director, kissed him goodbye and took off. According to the director, he cried for awhile and then pretty much moped around. When I came back to pick him up after 2 hours, he was starting to warm up to the idea of preschool, but was still a bit low. Jack finally did not nap and had a decent (and somewhat early) sleep last night, so I'm hoping that will put him back on the no nap/early bedtime/sleep until past 6am train again. Toot toot.

Today both Hans and I approached the preschool topic gingerly with him. He said a few times he didn't want to go, and I countered with "you'll just go for a little while and then I'll pick you up," which seemed ok. When we got there he said again "ready to pick up now," and his chin quivered a bit. I read him one book and then kissed him goodbye. I know the director will call if he's beyond coping, so I'm watching the clock and listening for the phone until his early pick up time.

This has been a good lesson for me. I've had to really scale back my expectations and desires for what I want preschool to be like for me, and focus on what's best for Jack. I had hoped to get some good 4 hour chunks to write, cook, maybe even lounge about (gasp!), but that's not really happening now. It will at some point. Right now I need to be patient and give him more emotional support when we're together at home, rather than letting him play by himself and trying to squeeze in one more load of laundry or email. I see the difference when I stay to close to him -- he is more secure and less whiny. So instead of a rest time before we headed off to school, today I read with him.

I'll update tomorrow how things went for him today....

Not quite star struck

2008-09-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

I went to college with students who went on to work for the New York Times, major television networks, and countless other prestigious places. And now I can say I went to college with a dude on Dancing with the Stars.

Jeffrey Ross lived on the floor below mine freshman year, only then his name was Jeff Lifschultz. It's kind of strange to me that he ended up as a comedian, since out of everyone I knew in college, he was not nearly the funniest. Perhaps he is the worst dancer though....

He hides/mommy fumes

2008-09-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Jack's a sweet, smart, funny boy, but he has one "hobby" that really drives me nuts. He hides his number and letter puzzle pieces, and then wants me to find them. Two problems here: he's really good at hiding them and I don't want to find them anymore -- it's like a toddler version of Sisyphus in that it never ends. I keep encouraging him to look for the pieces himself. When he does find one he is very pleased, but all day long he begs and whines for me to find the pieces. Is this some strange developmental stage? When will it end? Should I just take the puzzles and pieces away?

Watching movies

2008-09-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

Since Jack goes to sleep earlier, we're getting a chance to watch some movies these days. Netflix tells me we watched only 3 movies from July to late August, but we've already watched 4 in September.

We loved:
This is England -- British movie about 1983 England, skinheads, and the aftermath of the Falkland war
You're Gonna Miss Me -- documentary about Roky Erickson -- be sure to watch the update in the extras all the way to the end, which is nothing short of shocking
Into the Wild -- I didn't expect this from Sean Penn -- really loved the acting and the way he captured the spirit of the book

Not so much:
Stormy Monday -- director Mike Figgis's first movie. It's a long way from this stinker to Leaving Las Vegas
Eastern Promises -- loved Viggo, but I thought the movie was emotionally flat
Tristram Shandy -- a mess of a movie, but I had one good laugh at the chestnut scene.
Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford -- thought Brad Pitt was miscast and it was waaaaay too long. Nicely shot though

Anybody care to offer some titles for our Netflix queue? We'd love a juicy blockbuster from the last 2 years....

Worn out by preschool

2008-09-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

I remember at our preschool orientation one of the parents said that the afternoon kids get so worn out they barely make it through dinner and bath before passing out. I scoffed at that -- no way this would happen with Jack, who a few months ago could run and play and talk all day long but still would go to sleep at 8:30 or 9 (or later).

I'm happily eating my words. Since school started, Jack's gone to sleep around 7:15 or 7:30 every night (except for the one day he had an accidental car nap) and sleeps until 5:45-6:45.

Yesterday when I brought him back from preschool I asked him if he wanted to read a book. He said yes then got into bed. "I'm tired so I'm getting into bed," he said. Wow. I was speechless.

Yea hurray for preschool!

Happy Mondays

2008-09-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, I'm preferring Mondays to Sundays. Because Monday is a preschool day!

He's loving it!

2008-09-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Jack adores preschool. He starts saying "ready to go to preschool!" about an hour before his session starts. When we roll up to the gate I can barely contain him as he struggles to climb out of the stroller and get inside the grounds. I drop him off with a kiss and return 3 hours later, to be greeted with "mommy came back!" No tears.

Yesterday when we came home from preschool he was practically bouncing off the walls with energy and joy. We see a change in him after less than 2 weeks of ps; he relates differently to people and his brain is engaged in a new way. He is tired too -- last night he slept from 7:30 - 6.

And amazingly enough, yesterday he had no pee accidents, not even at preschool. Ok, he did poop in his pants once at home, but he also pooped in the potty once at home, so that's hopeful.

First two days of preschool

2008-09-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

In two weeks, Jack's potty training has progressed really well. On a good day, he has one or two accidents, but they are usually fairly small, rather than floor-drenchers. Even better, Jack'll now often pull down his pants and underpants by himself and pee, rather than have us do it for him. We do still have a rough time in the late afternoon -- puddles do appear if I'm not on him constantly.

His first 2 days of preschool were really quite wonderful. Both days were extremely hot both inside and outside of the building, but Jack didn't seem too bothered by the heat. He mostly stayed inside exploring. Tomorrow he'll stay for 3 hours, which includes circle time and snack -- I'm hoping he can sit still for ct.

I feel like I've been training him for a marathon, and now it's started. He may win, he may lose... but at least he's out there running....

Parenting essentials, from birth-age 3

2008-09-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

These are/were my top picks, how about you?

birth-1
breast pump (not fun, but needed it)
sling/backpack (for walks and hikes)
washer and dryer (cloth diapers)
bouncy chair (for a few minutes of distraction)
extra help (should have asked for more family visits)

1-2:
safety gates and childproof latches (we needed them)
stroller (got constant use)
highchair (fantastic for when he started to feed himself)
mini food processor (baby food)
playpen (otherwise how would laundry ever have been done)

2-3:
Ibuprofen (for me, not him)
sweatpants and washer/dryer (potty training)
baby monitor (fun for playing "what is he doing in there?" at bedtime)
cd player (for mellow music at bedtime)
earplugs (for when my kind husband lets me sleep late)
memberships (Coyote Point, Zoo, Discovery Museum)

3-4:
?

First day

2008-09-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well, after all our potty training drama, we made it to Jack's first day of preschool after all. Jack was a bit overwhelmed (me too), but he did great using the potty and explored the school a bit. We're going back today!

Making letter shapes

2008-09-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

The best laid plans of mice and mommys

2008-08-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

We're still here. Potty training progress has been slow (Thursday was a disaster), but we keep moving forward. Unfortunately, it looks as if we'll need to postpone his preschool start date, since Jack's not really up to the required potty training standards. However, this evening he did poop in the potty, a big step!

A bit better today

2008-08-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Things have improved. Jack peed several times in his underpants or bathing suit today, but only a little at a time. When he sat on the potty he peed quite a bit, so it feels like he's figuring things out.

We had a gorgeous sunny warm day today, so we spent most of the day in the yard or on the deck. Jack went snail hunting and we picked our daily apple from our gravenstein tree.

He did poop in his underpants again, but it wasn't as messy as yesterday. We'll work on that tomorrow.

I do feel hopeful this evening.

Potty training: day 2

2008-08-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

(warning: somewhat graphic potty talk ahead. skip this post if you're likely to be offended.)

Day one was good. Jack was excited about the chocolate chips and only had one accident all day. We even went to the playground and used the bathroom there 5 times.

Day two not so good. I expected some resistance after a successful day one, and I got it. He would not be swayed by chocolate chips. We went through about a dozen pairs of underpants and pants, shorts, pajama bottoms, you name it. He achieved one spectacular poop-in-his-pants outside in the garden. The only remedy for that was a quick bath.

Toward the end of the afternoon I no longer used a timer or asked him if he was ready to sit on the potty. I just picked him up and plopped him down. He protested, but oh well -- tell it to the judge.

But what Jack might not realize is this: I won't back down. I don't want to go through this again. Forward only.

Panic

2008-08-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, I really screwed up. I remembered Jack's first day of preschool as September 15th, but I just found out it's the 3rd. That's next week.

So we're canceling all plans and hunkering down with a stack of underpants and a bag of chocolate chips.

Wish us luck!

Progress

2008-08-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

Jack's sleeps are stretching slowly, slowly. He's been going to sleep between 7:45-9 (usually around 8:30) and sleeping through to 6:30 or 6:45.

I have to say, getting up for the day at 6:30 is way better than the 5am wake up call Jack used to provide.

He's also getting better at putting himself to sleep -- twice this week we read to him until he was calm, then left the room and (eventually) Jack fell asleep, without running around or wrecking his room. Last night when I went to tuck him in before I went to sleep, I found he had fallen asleep in the little pillow nest behind his bed, with a book in his hands.

Big boys and auntie Dorothy

2008-08-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

My sister and 2 of her 3 sons came for a visit last week. We all had a great time playing cards, picking blackberries, and hiking, among other things.

The highlight for everyone was probably our afternoon at Limantour Beach. Giancarlo and Matthew built sandcastles and Jack ran up and down the beach with Hans while Dorothy and I sat and talked while watching the waves.

I was quite worn out by the time they headed back to Boston, but happy!

Babysitter

2008-08-20T13:24:00.001-07:00

Sitting happily with a bag of Bronx grapes (http://www.slowfoodusa.org/ark/bronx_grapes.html) at the San Francisco Ferry Building farmers market Saturday.

Love bug

2008-08-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

I usually don't notice any big sudden changes in Jack's development, but a few days ago he had a dramatic increase in his language skills -- he started speaking clearly in full sentences and using "I" consistently instead of "b" (for beeboo).

He's also become very snuggly and loving. All day long he says "I love you mommy," and "I miss da," (when Hans is at work). He'll come up to me and say "give mommy hug and kiss," which is wonderful.

Jack's still crazy about letters and numbers. He prefers the "red" playground over any other because this playground has some letters and numbers panels and no other nearby playground does. At home he makes letters out of wooden blocks and requests that we draw or paint numbers on paper. This morning he spelled ice cream: ixcereo.

Quote of the day: "Letters eat everything. Letters are omnivores."

Mountain joy

2008-08-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

Jack went to sleep late then got up early 2 nights in a row. Yesterday we spent the morning at the farmers market and playground, then came home for lunch and quiet time. Jack got whiny and I knew he was tired, so I let him crash in his room (he fell asleep on the floor). But he only slept for 45 minutes and woke up in a state. This happens from time to time and I never know what to make of it -- he cries and cries and nothing seems right. I held him and tried to get him to stop crying long enough to tell me what was wrong so we could fix it. But maybe the world was wrong, because nothing helped.

I called Hans to ask for advice and he suggested taking Jack for a drive or watching a video. I got Jack dressed, strapped him into the car, and drove up to the top of "our" mountain. It was foggy yesterday, and little rivulets of water drained down the fire road. As soon as his feet hit the muddy trail, he calmed down. Swinging the blackberry bucket and carrying a small wooden giraffe, Jack hiked up to the top of the hill with me, where we spent quite a while picking blackberries. He is really a very good berry picker -- sees the best ones and goes for them, regardless of the thorns.

When we had picked all the ripe berries on those hilltop bushes we wound our way downhill past Hummingbird Point, trekked across the grassland where a hawk watched our progress from a dead tree, and squeezed through the native treasures segment of the trail. Jack tried his first huckleberry. Ghostly white snowberries dangled from their branches like tiny full moons. We trudged back into the forest to the fire road and back to car, all the while debating the fruit preferences of his favorite animals (Jack thinks coyotes love strawberries the best). He hiked the entire way, and never once asked me to carry him.

It just looks like a hula skirt

2008-08-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

We're taking a break from potty training the past few days, and we were out of our regular diapers yesterday, so Jack was wearing pull-ups. At the playground his diaper gave way, leaving his pants soaked. I had slipped up on one of the foremost rules of toddlerhood -- always bring extra pants! So I took his pants off and draped his "toasty warm" over his thighs. He said he was comfortable all the way home in the stroller!

Also visible: bowl of pretzels, cup with our proprietary blend of carrot and apple juices, favorite new king snake toy, and Dinosaur Train book.

The magic of the Red Balloon

2008-08-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

Jack watches almost no tv these days. His heavy infatuation with his ABC's and 123's dvds has abated a bit, and occasionally he'll ask to watch a Yo Gabba Gabba episode, but mostly we're unplugged. I almost never encourage him to watch anything, with one exception: I plop him down on the sofa to watch the Red Balloon when he really needs a nap.

This lovely French movie from 1956 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Red_Balloon) is one of Hans's favorites from his childhood. It follows a young boy and his balloon through Paris. Our dvd is subtitled, but there isn't much dialog, and it doesn't seem to matter to Jack. He watches rapt and then falls asleep.

Looking for bedtime solutions

2008-07-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

I once read on another blog that after you make it through your child's first year, you never give your child's sleep another thought. Either that parent was extraordinarily lucky or we're abnormal, because sleep is just about all we do talk about here (well, and the futility of potty training).

I've come to terms with the idea that Jack is not a big sleeper. He sleeps fine, just not very much. Most nights he's slumbering by 8 or 8:30, and he wakes up for the day between 6-6:30. That doesn't leave us much time to ourselves, but we take what we can get. The real problem is getting him to sleep, a task which Hans undertakes most nights. About 1/2 the time Jack does fall asleep on his own (eventually and after some power struggles), either when Hans is reading to him or by himself once Hans leaves his room. But the rest of the time is not fun: Jack gets out of bed, runs to his door, opens it, and runs out to find us. And, oh how he laughs.

I pretty much avoid specific-topic parenting books, but I'm wondering if we need a little sleep guidance here. We've tried a bit of a technique I saw once on Nanny 911 (back when I thought the experts had the answers), wherein the parent continually places the runaway child back in bed, as many times as it takes until the child gives up and goes to sleep. It hasn't worked and I surmised it was because we didn't keep it up until he surrendered, but last night I tried it until Jack became totally hysterical, so it doesn't seem like a good option for us.

I guess that leaves us, on those nights when Jack won't settle down on his own, in a familiar position of reading with him until he falls asleep, which we did just about every night from the time he started teething until Jack got his big boy bed last year. Maybe we're lucky it took Jack this long to discover he doesn't have to stay in bed at bedtime. But we sure would like things to be a lot more mellow. How does everyone else get their toddlers to sleep?

Mental health day

2008-07-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

We had a somewhat rough week at home, recovering from colds or flu or whatever it was, and then Jack went and got himself sick. He's been sick only a handful of times in his life, so I am never prepared for his illnesses; they surprise me each time.

This week his nose has been stuffed up, he's been coughing a bit, and running an occasional low fever. I treated him with Tylenol and a few extra popsicles, but he was a little beast for 2 days, with operatic tantrums, super clinginess, and crazy sleep patterns. Last night Hans fought the Epic Battle of Bedtime, and Jack didn't go to sleep until 10:30. As usual he was up this morning at 6 something.

Hans gave me the day off, so I headed out for a hike around 10:30, only to discover it was flaming hot on the peninsula! Oh well, I hiked anyway, enjoying myself at Pulgas Ridge. (You can read some more about the hike on my new blog: http://bayareahiker.blogspot.com/) I came home hot but happy, took a shower, checked in on Jack (still crazy, still a little sick), then took a nap. What a wonderful relaxing day. Thanks Hans!

Two from the zoo

2008-07-25T17:56:00.000-07:00

Almost forgot, we had a fun but mercurial (word of the week around here) trip to the Oakland Zoo last Sunday. This was our second ever visit and the first time we never made it to the Children's Zoo, so Sunday we started there. It is excellent -- the animal areas are large and cheerful and there's plenty of interactive stuff for the kids to climb on and explore. Unfortunately there is no goat feeding at this zoo, but Jack did get to pet these goats. Jack really really loved the fruit bats -- none of us had ever seen them before, and we can't stop talking about them. Our visit was marred with a few "goes to 11" tantrums, but all in all it was a fun trip. One of the highlights was watching Jack ride by himself on the little car ride. That was a first.